A doctor one day was accidentally cut rather badly on the leg. He went to an operating theatre and started to stitch his own leg up, using a local anaesthetic. While doing this, a colleague came into the room, and offered to help. The first doctor thanked him, but said he would carry on himself. The second doctor said, "Ok, suture self!"

What do you call a drive-by shooting in Chinatown? A cappuchino.

Sven was in front of the mall jewellery store when he spied Ole walking past carrying a small, gift-wrapped package. "So vat did ja buy, Ole?" Ole replied, "Tomorrow is Lena's birthday and she said she vanted something wit lots of diamonds." "So vat did you get her?" asked Sven. "A deck of cards!" replied Ole. - Editor: Ole's funeral services will be held later this week.

A wealthy investor walked into a bank and said to the bank manager, "I would like to speak with Mr. Reginald Jones, whom I understand is a tried and trusted employee of yours." The banker said, "Yes, he certainly was trusted, and he will be tried as soon as we catch him."

On April Fools Day, a mother put a fire cracker under the pancakes. She blew her stack.

- A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking. - Dijon vu - the same mustard as before. - Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death. - A hangover is the wrath of grapes. - Sea captains don't like crew cuts. - Does the name Pavlov ring a bell? - Reading while sunbathing makes you well-red. - When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I. - A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired. - What's the definition of a will? (Come on, It's a dead giveaway!) - A backward poet writes inverse. - In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes. - A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion. - Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft, and I'll s

My friend and I were in a record store to buy a 45-speed record of his favourite song. After he located it, he realized that he had forgotten his wallet. Instead of going out and getting his wallet, he decided to get a five-finger discount (shoplift) so he put it down his pants. Well, as we were leaving the store, the cashier stopped him and said, "Excuse me, but is that a record in your pants?" To this he responded, "It may not be a record, but I'm mighty proud of it."

As the plane was flying low over hills near Athens, a lady asked the stewardess: "What's that stuff on those hills?" "Just snow," replied the stewardess. "That's what I thought," said the lady, "but this fellow in front of me said it was Greece."

How does a sperm bank treat its donors? On a first come, first serve basis.

A U.S. Mint spokesperson announced the plans for a new fifty-cent piece that was being issued in the honor of two great American patriots. On one side of the coin would be Theodore Roosevelt, on the other, Nathan Hale. When questioned by a reporter why two people were going to appear on the same coin, the spokesperson replied, "These two men were selected to simplify life for a vast majority of Americans." The reporter then asked, "Could you explain how this would simplify life for Americans?" The official responded, "Certainly, I'd be happy to. Now, when they toss a coin, they can simply call Ted's or Hale's."

What do you call a one-legged lady? Eileen!

How did the aliens hurt the farmer? They trod on his corn.