Why do you Drive on the Parkway but Park on the Driveway?

Larry Lobster and Sam Clam were best friends; they did everything together. The only difference between them was that Larry was the nicest lobster ever, and Sam, well,let's just say he was not so good. Larry and Sam did so much together that they even died together, but while Larry went to heaven, Sam went to hell. Larry was doing well in heaven, and one day St. Peter came up to him and said, "Larry, you know you are the nicest lobster we have ever had up here. Everyone likes you, but you seem to be a bit depressed. Tell me what is bothering you, maybe I can help." Larry said, "Well, don't get me wrong, Pete, I like it up here and everything, but I really miss my good friend Sam Clam. We use

What do you call a Mexican with a vasectomy? A dry Martinez.

If there is H2O on the inside of a fire hydrant, what is on the outside? K9P.

How does the barber cut the moon's hair? E-clipse it

The other day I was watching the news and there was the strangest story. You see a man went to Huck's gas station and was filling up his red gas holder for emergencies during the winter, and when he put the cap on some sloshed out onto his arm. He didn't think anything of it and went on ahead and got in his car and drove off. Two miles down the road he lit up a cigarette and caught his arms on hands on fire! He pulled off to the side and a cop driving by pulled over by him. And you know what he gave the man a ticket... for illegal use of fire-arms.

Why did Tom throw butter outside the window? Because he wanted to see the butter-fly.

A noted biologist, who had been studying little green frogs in a swamp, was stumped. The frog population, despite efforts at predator control, was declining at an alarming rate. A chemist at a nearby college came up with a solution: The frogs, due to a chemical change in the swamp water, simply couldn't stay coupled long enough to reproduce successfully. The chemist then brewed up a new adhesive to assist the frogs' togetherness, which included one part sodium. It seems the little green frogs needed some "monosodium glue to mate".

Then there was the dyslexic robber who held up the bank with a gnu.

What's the difference between the Library of Congress and the House of Representatives? In the Library of Congress you're not allowed to lick the pages!

Two fat men took part in a marathon. One ran in short bursts, and the other ran in burst shorts.

A fat woman and a slim woman were both smoking cigarettes; which one finished hers first? The fat woman - she takes bigger draws.