If it weren't for Venetian blinds, it would be curtains for everybody.

What do you get when you divide the circumference of a jack-o-lantern by its diameter? Pumpkin Pi!

I wanted to learn how to make ice cream, so I started attending sundae school.

Q: What did the older lightbulb say to the younger lightbulb? A: You're too young to go out tonight.

Q: Why could Long John Silver never find an aspirin? A: 'Cause his parrots ate them all.

Do bakers with a sense of humor bake wry bread?

I went into the kitchen, and there was a tap on the window. Not using that plumber again!

Two wrongs do not make a right, but three rights make a left.

There were two high school friends, Artie and Dominick, who did everything together, and were the absolute best of friends. Then they went off to different colleges and were separated for several years. One day, however, Artie was sitting and a bar and looks over and sees his old friend Dominic. "Dominic?" he shouts. "Artie?" Dominic replied. Obviously they were happy to see each other again, and spent a long time catching up on old times. Along the course of the conversation, Artie asked Dominick what he did as a career. "I'm an inventor," Dominic said. "Wow," said Artie, "you must be loaded!" "Well, I would be, except my wife spends all my money. I really hate her and wish she were dead!"

. When young Jose, newly arrived in the United States, made his first trip to Yankee Stadium, there were no tickets left for sale. Touched by his disappointment, a friendly ticket salesman found him a perch near the American flag. Later, Jose wrote home enthusiastically about his experience. "And the Americans, they are so friendly!" he concluded. "Before the game started, they all stood up and looked at me and sang, 'Jose, can you see?'"

What do you call a black priest? Holy Shit

Two blond labourers looking for work arrive at a railway station, and ask for one-way tickets. The ticket-seller looks through his schedule, but can't find the place the blonds are seeking. "But you must be able to find it," says one. "We read in the papers that there are thousands of jobs in Jeopardy!"