- OK, . . . . so what's the speed of dark? - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. - Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now. - Every one has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film. - How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges? - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. - What happens if you get scared half to death twice? - I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder. - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name? - Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened. - Just remember - if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off. - Light travels faster

- Save the whales. Collect the whole set. - A day without sunshine is like...night. - On the other hand, you have different fingers - 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot. - 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name. - Remember, half the people you know are below average. - He who laughs last thinks slowest. - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm. - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap. - Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have. - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. - Change is inevitable, except from vending machines. - If you think nobody cares, try m

If it weren't for Venetian blinds, it would be curtains for everybody.

What do you get when you divide the circumference of a jack-o-lantern by its diameter? Pumpkin Pi!

I wanted to learn how to make ice cream, so I started attending sundae school.

Q: What did the older lightbulb say to the younger lightbulb? A: You're too young to go out tonight.

Q: Why could Long John Silver never find an aspirin? A: 'Cause his parrots ate them all.

Do bakers with a sense of humor bake wry bread?

I went into the kitchen, and there was a tap on the window. Not using that plumber again!

Two wrongs do not make a right, but three rights make a left.

There were two high school friends, Artie and Dominick, who did everything together, and were the absolute best of friends. Then they went off to different colleges and were separated for several years. One day, however, Artie was sitting and a bar and looks over and sees his old friend Dominic. "Dominic?" he shouts. "Artie?" Dominic replied. Obviously they were happy to see each other again, and spent a long time catching up on old times. Along the course of the conversation, Artie asked Dominick what he did as a career. "I'm an inventor," Dominic said. "Wow," said Artie, "you must be loaded!" "Well, I would be, except my wife spends all my money. I really hate her and wish she were dead!"

. When young Jose, newly arrived in the United States, made his first trip to Yankee Stadium, there were no tickets left for sale. Touched by his disappointment, a friendly ticket salesman found him a perch near the American flag. Later, Jose wrote home enthusiastically about his experience. "And the Americans, they are so friendly!" he concluded. "Before the game started, they all stood up and looked at me and sang, 'Jose, can you see?'"