I gave up Thai boxing because I felt the Thais were getting fed up being put in boxes.

Drink apple juice, because O.J. will kill you. (O.J. = Orange Juice)

A very mean, nasty, unattractive woman enters the Wal-Mart store with her two kids. The Wal-Mart greeter says hello to the kids and then hello to the lady who just grunts at the greeter in return. The greeter asks the lady, "Great kids! Are they twins?" "No," replies the lady, "one is 9 the other is 7. Do they look like twins?" "No," the greeter says, "I just couldn't believe you could get laid twice."

Three Indian women are sitting side by side. The first, sitting on a goatskin, has a son who weighs 170 pounds. The second, sitting on a deerskin, has a son who weighs 130 pounds. The third, seated on a hippopotamus hide, weighs 300 pounds. What famous theorem does this illustrate? The squaw on the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws on the other two hides!

The three stages of sex in marriage: Tri-weekly, Try-weekly, Try-weakly.

It seems that an elephant got too close to all the baby ducks the circus had brought in for Easter and accidentally inhaled a bunch of them. The poor elephant was choking on them and no one could help. Finally the trainer goosed him -- and the elephant blew out a whole trunkful of downy feathers. That's what he gets for snorting quack.

What was 50 Cent's daughter named? Penny!

What did the tie say to the hat? You go on a head, I'll just hang around.

An elephant was drinking out of a river one day, when he spotted a turtle asleep on a log. He ambled on over and kicked it clear across the river. "What did you do that for?" asked a passing giraffe. "Because I recognized it as the same turtle that took a nip out of my trunk 53 years ago." "Wow, what a memory!" commented the giraffe. "Yes," said the elephant, "turtle recall."

The French will eat almost anything. A young cook decided that the French would enjoy feasting on rabbits and decided to raise rabbits in Paris and sell them to the finer restaurants in the city. He searched all over Paris seeking a suitable place to raise his rabbits. None could be found. Finally, an old priest at the cathedral said he could have a small area behind the rectory for his rabbits. He successfully raised a number of them, and when he went about Paris selling them, a restaurant owner asked him where he got such fresh rabbits. The young man replied, "I raise them myself, near the cathedral. In fact, I have a hutch back of Notre Dame.

- OK, . . . . so what's the speed of dark? - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. - Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now. - Every one has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film. - How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges? - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. - What happens if you get scared half to death twice? - I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder. - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name? - Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened. - Just remember - if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off. - Light travels faster

- Save the whales. Collect the whole set. - A day without sunshine is like...night. - On the other hand, you have different fingers - 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot. - 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name. - Remember, half the people you know are below average. - He who laughs last thinks slowest. - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm. - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap. - Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have. - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. - Change is inevitable, except from vending machines. - If you think nobody cares, try m