There I was, in my car, driving down the road, when my boss rang up and said, "We're making you Chief Area Salesman," and I swerved. Ten minutes later, he called again, "You're now Deputy Area Manager," and I swerved again. Another twenty minutes go by, and another phone call, "You're now Vice Chairman," and I swerved right off the road into a ditch. When the police asked what had happened, I said, "I just careered off the road."

Tons of Puns Energizer Bunny arrested; charged with battery. A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking. A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative. My wife really likes to make pottery, but to me it's just kiln time. Dijon vu: the same mustard as before. Practice safe eating: always use condiments. I fired my masseuse today. She just rubbed me the wrong way. A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother. Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death. I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded. I used to be a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the ax. If electricity comes from electrons, does that mean that morality comes from morons? A m

I gave up Thai boxing because I felt the Thais were getting fed up being put in boxes.

Drink apple juice, because O.J. will kill you. (O.J. = Orange Juice)

A very mean, nasty, unattractive woman enters the Wal-Mart store with her two kids. The Wal-Mart greeter says hello to the kids and then hello to the lady who just grunts at the greeter in return. The greeter asks the lady, "Great kids! Are they twins?" "No," replies the lady, "one is 9 the other is 7. Do they look like twins?" "No," the greeter says, "I just couldn't believe you could get laid twice."

Three Indian women are sitting side by side. The first, sitting on a goatskin, has a son who weighs 170 pounds. The second, sitting on a deerskin, has a son who weighs 130 pounds. The third, seated on a hippopotamus hide, weighs 300 pounds. What famous theorem does this illustrate? The squaw on the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws on the other two hides!

The three stages of sex in marriage: Tri-weekly, Try-weekly, Try-weakly.

It seems that an elephant got too close to all the baby ducks the circus had brought in for Easter and accidentally inhaled a bunch of them. The poor elephant was choking on them and no one could help. Finally the trainer goosed him -- and the elephant blew out a whole trunkful of downy feathers. That's what he gets for snorting quack.

What was 50 Cent's daughter named? Penny!

What did the tie say to the hat? You go on a head, I'll just hang around.

An elephant was drinking out of a river one day, when he spotted a turtle asleep on a log. He ambled on over and kicked it clear across the river. "What did you do that for?" asked a passing giraffe. "Because I recognized it as the same turtle that took a nip out of my trunk 53 years ago." "Wow, what a memory!" commented the giraffe. "Yes," said the elephant, "turtle recall."

The French will eat almost anything. A young cook decided that the French would enjoy feasting on rabbits and decided to raise rabbits in Paris and sell them to the finer restaurants in the city. He searched all over Paris seeking a suitable place to raise his rabbits. None could be found. Finally, an old priest at the cathedral said he could have a small area behind the rectory for his rabbits. He successfully raised a number of them, and when he went about Paris selling them, a restaurant owner asked him where he got such fresh rabbits. The young man replied, "I raise them myself, near the cathedral. In fact, I have a hutch back of Notre Dame.