What is the difference between unlawful and illegal? Unlawful is against the law. Illegal is a sick bird.

The other day I went to a zoo, but the only animal there was a dog. It was a shihtzu.

A complex is a phobia. A complex is a large building. A complex is another word for complicated. So if you have a phobia about complicated large buildings, you might be said to have a complex complex complex.

Bloke stayed up all night, wondering where the sun had gone; then it dawned on him.

Q: What did one arithmetic book say to the other? A: I have a lot of problems.

There was a family of gnus, and one day, Mr Gnu went out to get some food but was ambushed and eaten by a pride of lions. Next salute, a poacher shoots Mrs Gnu, leaving poor Baby Gnu to starve to death. Well, that's the end of the gnus; here's the weather . . .

101 Hot 'n' Spicy Meals by Tung Payne

A fortune teller escaped from prison and became a small medium at large.

Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft, and I'll show you A-flat minor.

Tommy the Hedgehog was one of a rare sub-division which suffered a small but significant genetic defect. This defect manifested itself in a malformed penis, which divided into four branches; though a little unusual, it was a good way to meet a lot of intrigued girl hedgehogs, so Tommy was a rather proud of this abnormality. One peculiarity of his family was the way that he slept; curled up in a ball, lying on his back, and it was while taking a nap one day that he felt a terrible pain in the genital region. He jumped up to see his penis disappear down the throat of a large cat. "What the HELL are you playing at?" shouted Tommy; "I'm awfully sorry," replied the cat, "it's just that I'm a

The pub landlord was delighted with the little puppy that he'd acquired, and the little puppy was very pleased with his new home. He'd run around the place, just a bundle of energy - very inquisitive, examining this, looking into that, non-stop all day, until the inevitable happened and he caught his tail in a fast-closing door and lost it! Time passed, and as one human year equals seven dog years, eventually he went to dog-heaven, for an endless supply of dog biscuits, walks in paradise - well, you couldn't call it a dog's life! However, he felt incomplete, and one night around midnight, he went back in his ghostly form to ask to be made whole again. "Sorry," said the landlord, "you kno

If I were to be pun-ish-ed For every little pun I shed I'd hide me to a punny shed And there I'd hang my punnish head.