Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

This is a list of the worst names to have Dick Hurtz Hary Paratesticles Mike Hunt Mike Rotch Anitta Manwhore Anitta Johnson Fuk Yao Ike Anblow Peter Pecker I.C. Weiner I.P. Freely Seimore Butts Bo Oobless Dick Less Issac Less Tits McGee (ok, that was off Anchorman) Ima Hornibusterd Ima Uglibech Ima Dick

How much does it cost for a pirate to get his ears pierced? A buck an ear.

What is more peculiar than watching a catfish? Watching a goldfish bowl.

In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com, did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she had been called Amazon Dot Com. She said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why doth thou travel far from town to town with thy goods when thou can trade without ever leaving thy tent?" And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, Dear?" And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale and they will reply telling you which hath the best price. And

A family of moles had been hibernating all winter. One beautiful spring morning, they woke up. The father mole stuck his head out of the hole and looked around. "Mother Mole!" He called back down the hole. "Come up here! I smell honey, fresh made honey!" The mother mole ran up and squeezed in next to him. "That's not honey, that's maple syrup! I smell maple syrup!" The baby mole, still down in the hole, was sulking. "I can't smell anything down here but molasses..."

A journalist assigned to the Jerusalem bureau takes an apartment overlooking the Wailing Wall. Every day when she looks out, she sees an old Jewish man praying vigorously. So, the journalist goes down and introduces herself to the old man. She asks, "You come every day to the wall. How long have you done that, and what are you praying for?"The old man replies, "I have come here to pray every day for 25 years. In the morning I pray for world peace and then for the brotherhood of man. I go home, have a cup of tea, and I come back and pray for the eradication of illness and disease from the earth." The journalist is amazed. "How does it make you feel to come here every day for 25 years and

My mouth has turned into a flower bed. It has tulips.

What do you call a Spanish man with a rubber toe? Answer: Roberto.

A man was waiting for his wife to give birth when the doctor came in and informed the new dad that his son was born without a torso, arms, or legs. The son had only a head! But the dad loved his son anyway, and raised him as well as he could, with love and compassion. After 21 years, the son was old enough for his first drink. Dad took him to the bar and tearfully told the son he was proud of him. Then Dad ordered up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously, and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy took his first sip of alcohol. Swoooop! A torso popped out of the bottom of the son's head! The bar was deadly silent; then burst i

A road crew is making a giant freeway, when they come across a sign and a lever. The sign reads "pull lever and end world". The workers decide not to pull the lever just in case. One night, a man named Nate is driving home. He does not see the sign, so he gets out of his car, and crosses the road to pull the lever. But, on his way there, he was run over by the car, and was never to be seen again. The moral of the story? Better Nate Than Lever!

A young husband with an inferiority complex insisted he was just a little pebble on the beach. The marriage counselor told him, "If you wish to save your marriage, you'd better be a little boulder."