What's the Swedish word for divorce and swearing? Ikea.

Yo momma's like Geico: so easy a caveman could do it.

The only person in our town who can afford to go on a jaguar is a zoo-keeper.

Dreams are like underpants. You've got 'em, but you can't prove you do by showing it to everyone.

Whoever said nothing is impossible has never tried slamming a revolving door.

Ever since Rhianna got dumped by her boyfriend, she put all the stuff that was his or made her remember him she put : " to the left to the left... in the box on the left..."

Trousers: Hot off the press . . . . / - - - I regret writing that. Remorse Code Does anyone here have a giant catapult? No? It was a long shot.. Saw two space hoppers outside a nightclub. I said: 'Who are you?' They said: 'We're the bouncers' I had a TV Show about trees. But it got axed. What do you get if you cross a human with a dog? Arrested. I can speak to kettles. Because I'm boilingual. Saw an artist dressed all in black. It was Vincent Van Goth. Hotel receptionists are bit inappropriate, aren't they? They all just sit there, checking people out. My girlfriend said: "Why do you always lie?" I said: "Because it's easier than standing up" I think I got a phone-call about the

A gay pornstar doesn't take as many balls to the face as my 4 year old son playing soccer.

One day I was standing in the park wondering how frisbees get bigger when they get closer. Then it hit me.

Mary had a little lamb, fries and a coke.

I don't know much about prison, but it sounds like a pain in the ass.

"Mom! Deaf kids at school are making fun of me." "What did they say?"