I inherited a painting and a violin which turned out to be a Rembrandt and a Stradivarius. Unfortunately, Rembrandt made lousy violins and Stradivarius was a terrible painter. - Tommy Cooper

It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown - and fewer still to ignore someone completely.

I believe no problem is so large or so difficult that it can't be blamed on someone else.

How can you be sad when you are at the Sunshine Happiness Parade of Friendly Friends?

People always say that hard work never killed anybody. Oh yeah? When's the last time ya ever heard of anyone who "rested to death?"

Happiness doesn't bring money. I want to be what I was when I wanted to be what I'm now. The government has at least one problem for every solution. Only the conservatives can make the country like it used to be - a huge swamp full of dinosaurs. Democracy is having freedom of speech, freedom of thought, and the thoughtfulness to use neither one. If you don't go to other people's funerals, they won't come to yours.

What do you call a group of Jew baritones and sopranos singing? Soap opera.

You can fool some of the people all of the time and all of the people some of the time, but you can never fool a Mom.

I think - therefore I'm single. (Lizz Winstead) In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man; if you want anything done, ask a woman. (Margaret Thatcher) When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. (Elayne Boosler) I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde. (Dolly Parton) I'm not going to vacuum 'till Sears makes one you can ride on. (Roseanne Barr) If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose around your neck? (Linda Ellerbee)

What's the difference between a bird and a fly? Well, a bird can fly . . .

I don't want any yes-men around me. I want everybody to tell me the truth even if it costs them their jobs. Sam Goldwyn.

Psychiatrist to his nurse: "Just say we're very busy. Don't keep saying 'It's a madhouse.'"