Overweight is something that just sort of snacks up on you.

I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, "Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west."

Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren't going as ghosts but as mattresses? If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him...is he still wrong? Is there another word for synonym? Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?" If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages? How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign? The older you get, the better you realize you were. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity. Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday. Do pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays? Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go b

The trouble with doing nothing is that you never know when you are finished.

Never smack a man who's chewin' tobacco.

It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy.

Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously, and change the subject.

How many cops does it take to throw a man down the stairs? None. He fell.

The American tourist in Dublin had been complaining a great deal about the food. "Here," he said to the waitress, holding out a piece of meat for inspection, "do you call that pig?" "Which end of the fork, sir?" the waitress asked.

When you have a fat friend, there are no seesaws, just catapults.

What's the hardest thing about rollerblading? Telling your parents that you are gay.

"While getting dressed one morning, I decided I have been spending waaaaay too much time on the computer, when I caught myself checking the lower right corner of my make-up mirror to see what time it was." - Unknown