If an item is advertised as "under $50", you can bet it's not $19.95.

If flattery gets you nowhere, try bribery.

If people listened to themselves more often, they would talk less.

If we learn by our mistakes, some of us are getting one great education!

Never insult an alligator until after you have crossed the river.

- The principal singer of nineteenth century opera was called pre-Madonna. - Gregorian chant has no music, just singers singing the same lines. - Sherbet composed the Unfinished Symphony. - All female parts were sung by castrati. We don't know exactly what they sounded like because there are no known descendants. - Young scholars have expressed their rapture for the Bronze Lullaby, the Taco Bell Cannon, Beethoven's Erotica, Tchaikovsky Cracknutter Suite, and Gershwin's Rap City in Blue. - Music sung by two people at the same time is called a duel; if they sing without music it is called Acapulco. - A virtuoso is a musician with real high morals. - Contralto is a low sort of mus

After all is said and done, usually more is said than done.

A clean tie attracts the soup of the day.

Don't lend people money...it gives them amnesia.

All inanimate objects can move just enough to get in your way.

Any wire cut to length will be too short.

Blessed is he who expects no gratitude, for he shall not be disappointed.