The chance of forgetting something is directly proportional to...to...uhh...

The dictionary is the only place where success comes before work.

One of the greatest labor-saving inventions today is tomorrow.

There are two kinds of people who don't say much: those who are quiet and those who talk a lot.

No matter what happens, there is always somebody who knew that it would.

There are two rules for success in life: Rule 1 - Don't tell people everything you know.

Why is it that there are so many more horses' asses than there are horses? - G. Gordon Liddy

You can fool all of the people some of the time, some of the people all of the time, and that should be sufficient for most purposes.

You can fool all of the people some of the time, and some of the people all of the time, but you can make a fool of yourself any time.

If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball.

Overweight is something that just sort of snacks up on you.

I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, "Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west."