Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun. Lead me not into temptation...I can find the way myself. The mind is like a parachute; it works much better when it's open. Jury: Twelve people who determine which client has the better attorney. Miracles are performed every day, the impossible takes longer. Never knock on Death's door: ring the doorbell and run (he hates that).

I went to get some paper from the stationery store, but it had moved.

Room service? Send up a larger room. Who are you going to believe; me, or your own eyes? A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five. I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception. One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know. I must say that I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a book. I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.

My bedroom is so small... The mice are hunchbacked. I shut the door and and the doorknob was in bed with me. I have to go outside to change my mind. If I stand up, I'm on the second floor.

42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name. A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory. A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. A closed mouth gathers no foot. A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking. A day without sunshine is like, night. A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip. A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries. All generalizations are false, including this one. All men are idiots, and I married their King. Always remember you're unique, ju

Who is the ugliest member of wocka? [Name Removed - This joke offends some users - Joke awaiting deletion]

Veni, Vedi, Visa: I came, I saw, I did a little shopping. Gravity...it's not just a good Idea, it's the Law. First things first, but not necessarily in that order. My mother is a travel agent for guilt trips. Measure wealth not by the things you have, but by the things you have for which you would not take money. Look out for #1. Don't step in #2 either. AAAAA - American Association Against Acronym Abuse. Am I ignorant or apathetic? I don't know and don't care! Can you repeat the part after, "Listen very carefully"? Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.

Dyslexia: it can warn without striking! Give and you might receive. Take and be sure of it. I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure. I'm in a phone booth at the corner of Walk and Don't Walk. Jealousy is all the fun you think they have. Originality is the art of concealing your source. Synonym: word used when you can't spell the one you wanted. The Apathy Anonymous meeting was canceled due to lack of interest. You can tell a real programmer by the keyboard-shaped dents in his forehead. You have mistaken me for someone who gives a damn.

Why do Gynecologists retire at a younger age that other doctors? They get tunnel vision!

Real friends are those who, when you think you've made a fool of yourself, don't feel you've done a permanent job.

If you help a friend in need, he is sure to remember you -the next time he's in need.

JCPenny blowdryer: do not use while sleeping ********** caution: hot chocolate may be hot **********