I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out. I installed a skylight in my apartment.... The people who live above me are furious! All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats. The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store... With a pricing gun... She said, "Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store." In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said, "Cut it out." All the plants in my house are dead -

Have you ever heard of the Gay Mafia? No? If you don't pay up, they come round your house, and criticize your curtains!

Have you noticed since most people have a camcorder these days there are not as many people talking about seeing UFOs as there use to be?

For a REAL sponge cake, BORROW all the ingredients. Diplomacy - the art of letting someone have your way. A seminar on time travel will be held two weeks ago. Give and you might receive; take and be sure. I can't remember the last time I forgot something. I'm not schizophrenic, and neither am I. In an atomic attack, all men will be cremated equal. It's bad luck to be superstitious. I've been meaning to start procrastinating for some time now. Logic – the art of being wrong, with confidence. Old age isn't so bad, when you consider the alternative. Shin – a device for finding furniture in the dark. "Very funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes." No matter where you go, there y

These are my summer clothes. Summer paid for, summer not. How do you get down from an elephant? You don't, you get down from a duck. Why couldn't anyone play cards on the ark? Because Noah sat on the deck. Two fish are in a tank. One says to the other "You drive, I'll man the guns." The Russians are very jealous of the American's Stealth Bombers, so they've decided to build their own. It'll be called the Optical Illyushin. One good turn... gets all the blankets.

I took lessons in bicycle riding, but I could only afford half of them. Now I can ride a unicycle.

Mosquitos consider most people as food, but grandma's an open bar.

I'll tell ya later.

My mate's a maniakleptic – he walks into shops backwards and leaves things. Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, how did you enjoy the play? "It is better to have loved a short man, than never to have loved a tall." If tin whistles are made out of tin, what do they make fog horns out of? If you jog backwards, will you gain weight? If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done? We painted our floor with luminous paint. So now the florescent what it used to be.

Do doughnut shops need security systems?

If at first you don't suceed...lower your standards!

She left him because he had a will of his own. And it wasn't made out to her!