What do you give the person who has everything? A box to keep it all in.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met.

Did you know that 61.8 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot?

Abortion - Near Life Experience Bald - Follically liberated Blind - Photonically non-receptive Bum - Displaced homeowner Cannibalism - Intra-Species dining Censorship - Selective speech Cheating (Marriage) - Post-Marital Affairs Cheating (School) - Academic Dishonesty Clumsy - Uniquely coordinated Corpse - Permanently static post-human mass Cowboys - Bovine control officers Crime Rate - Street activity index Dead - Living impaired Deaf - Visually oriented Delicatessen - Corpse Farm Dish Washer - Utensil Sanitizer Fat - Person of substance Gas Station Attendant - Petroleum Transfer Technician Hunter - Meat Mercenary Idiot - Factually Unencumbered Insane Person - Selectively Perceptive Midget

My dad has always told me that putting in a little effort and dedication on the job never hurt anyone. Then again, he never heard of worker's comp.

Sometimes I think I'm stupid... until I met George W. Bush. Now I feel like the smartest man in the world.

What's pink and fluffy? Pink fluff!

You know you're screwed when you fall in love with a woman you see at the mall, then realize that she is your sister.

INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper. MYTH: A female moth. MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better. RAISIN: Grape with a sunburn. SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time. SKELETON: A bunch of bones with the person scraped off. TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to extraction. TOMORROW: One of the greatest labor saving devices of today. YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed. WRINKLES: Something other people have. You have character lines.

- "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence? - If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, and drycleaners depressed? - Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"? - Why is it that if someone tells you that there are one billion stars in the universe you will believe them, but if they tell you a wall has wet paint you will have to touch it to be sure? - If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented? - If people from Poland are called "Poles," why aren'

...you prefer cheap rum instead of expensive wine. ...you think that the proper way to greet kings at events is: "Arrh, ye peacock, give me yer money or I ll burn yer tent!" ...you're planning to purchase a large cannon with the explanation: "Who knows? Maybe some day we go to camping." ...you get thrown out of meetings cause you know too much about "slithering throats, ARRH!". ...the people at work starts to talk about you as the guy who puts jolly rogers on everything. ...people stand WAAY back when your household starts to pull out rapiers, sabres, cutlasses and daggers. ...you get really angry when the person next to you at the bancuette, who claims to be a pirate, doesnt kno

Looking for just the right employees? Try this simple personnel test. Take the job applicants and put them in a room with only a table and two chairs. Leave them alone for two hours, without any instruction. At the end of that time, go back and see what they are doing. - If they have taken the table apart, put them in engineering. - If they are counting the cigarette butts in the ashtray, assign them to finance. - If they are waving their arms and talking aloud, send them to consulting. - If they are talking to the chairs, personnel is a good spot for them. - If they are wearing green sunglasses and need a haircut, computer information systems is their niche. - If the room has a sweaty