They say one way to build character is to do things you don't want to do. Every day I do two things I don't want to do: I get out of bed in the morning and go to bed at night!

Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money. -- Jackie Mason

The perfect climate is in bed.

Opera: where somebody gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, sings.

Blind Hookers eh? You've got to hand it to them.

A woman's breasts are like a child's toys. They are meant for the child - but the husband is the one that usually ends up playing with them.

If you don't like my driving, stay out of the bus shelters!

Overheard at an exhibit in the science museum: "It says here that oxygen was discovered over two hundred years ago." "Wow! What did people breathe before that?"

Did you hear about the new dictionary for masochists? It has all the words, but they're not in alphabetical order.

Never ever take a sleeping pill and a laxative in the same night.

My sister gave birth in a state-of-the-art delivery room. It was so high tech that the baby came out cordless!

Why don't ghosts make good magicians? You can see right through them!