What do you call a one-eyed dinosaur? Dyouthinkhesaurus

I lent a friend of mine $5000 for plastic surgery. I can't get it back, because now I DON'T KNOW WHAT HE LOOKS LIKE!

Money can't buy everything... but then again, neither can no money.

Legs is the word - spread the word.

When does Saddam Hussein have his lunch? When Tariq Aziz. (When Tariq has his)

Betcha I can give up gambling!

What's the difference between a leg and an egg? You can beat an egg up, but you can't beat a leg up!

Two eggs were in a pan of boiling water. One egg says, "Phew, it's hot in here!" The other egg replies, "Wait till we get out of here, they smash your head in!"

Two cows eating grass, On a warm, sunny hillock. By this time tomorrow, That grass will be millock.

Never buy a toothbrush at a yard sale. Never buy a parachute that was used once and never opened before. Never sell computers for free at your garage sale. Trust me, there are many more ways to demolish your house. Never put bathroom humor up on the internet. Never watch American Idol auditions with Coke in your mouth. Never watch American Idol auditions without a couple of aspirins. And never, ever catch your grandparents taking a shower. All of these words of advice were found out by first-hand experience.If you want to meet the guy brave enough to try all of these "stunts" out, go to the Almont Graveyard in Stamfort, Michigan and visit the grave entitled:"Dave 'Daredevil' Deatson".

A woman walked into a bar, and asked the barman for a double entendre, so he gave her one.

"Doctor, please, I have a problem pronouncing Ts, Fs and Hs!" "Well then, you can't say fairer than that."