How can you tell the difference between a violin and a fiddle? Look at the audience!

I like hippos 'cause they're fat and don't care what other hippos think.

Did you here about the giant with a nosebleed? It was all over town

Why does a cock always close his eyes when he's crowing? Because he already knows the text!!

Question: How long is a minute? Answer: That depends on which side of the bathroom door you are on!!

Boy: Is your dad a baker? Girl: No. Why? Boy: Cause you're a cutie pie!!

Q: Where do nudists go fishing? A: Moon River. Q: What do you call a singing hot dog in New York, New York? A: Frank Sinatra. Q: What do you call a really smart cow? A: Grade A beef. Q: What song do they play at plumbers' funerals? A: Taps. Q: Where do you take a sick potato? A: To a M.A.S.H. unit.

Is your dad a baker? Because those buns are lookin' good! I lost my phone number, can I have yours?

Here are two pick up lines: "Are you a Abercrombie model? Your not?!?!? You so should be!!" or "My friend (insert friend name here) thinks we should go out. Wanna?"

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them? Why do people who know the least know it the loudest? If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their headlights off? If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound? When it rains, why don't sheep shrink? Should vegetarians eat animal crackers? When companies ship Styrofoam, what do they pack it in? If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?

One time, my teacher said to dump our Math books. Then she said to get your Social Studies book. Then that became history.

I'm so old, I woke up the other morning and thought I had an erection. I was really happy until I realized it was just a leg cramp!