I never engage in a battle of wits with an unarmed appoint

When I worked in the tourist industry in Florida, we got to wear some of the buttons that were for sale. My favorite read : We love serving tourists; I like mine well done!

To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the accountant, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

How do we look at a calendar to find what date it is, when we don't know the date?

How is it we look in a dictionary to figure out how to spell something if we don't know how to spell it?

A man who digs? Doug! A man who doesn't dig? Douglas! A woman with a cat on her head? Kitty!

I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place! When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping," now I just "chunky dunk." Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over? Stress is when you wake up screaming and then you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet. My husband says I never listen to him. At least I think that's what he said. Just remember...if the world didn't ****, we'd all fall off. If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labor! Br

1. I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die from natural causes. 2. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Why did our founding fathers expressed equality, but the constitution says people born in other countries can't be president?

In the 60's, people took acid to make the world appear weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

What do you get when a dinosuar stubs its toe? A: Stubasaurus

The best things in life are free and the worst things in life cost only $19.95.