Did you hear about the scientist who crossed a carrier pigeon with a woodpecker? He got a bird that not only delivers messages to their destination but knocks on the door when it gets there.

What did the Zen Buddhist say to the New York hot-dog vendor? "Make me one with everything."

"For Gods sakes Bill! Help her find it!." ~Hillary after walking in with Monica on her hands and knees in front of Bill

A woman's breasts are like a child's toys. They are meant for the child - but the husband is the one that usually ends up playing with them.

If you don't like my driving, stay out of the bus shelters!

Overheard at an exhibit in the science museum: "It says here that oxygen was discovered over two hundred years ago." "Wow! What did people breathe before that?"

Did you hear about the new dictionary for masochists? It has all the words, but they're not in alphabetical order.

Never ever take a sleeping pill and a laxative in the same night.

My sister gave birth in a state-of-the-art delivery room. It was so high tech that the baby came out cordless!

Why don't ghosts make good magicians? You can see right through them!

Famous Last Words "Oh come on, nobody's died from this in years." "I saw it on Jackass last night." "My dad did it when he was a kid." "Yes, I'm sure that the power is off." "It'll only hurt for a couple of days." "See, I'm not afraid of heights."

Famous Last Words: "The gun isn't loaded, ok?" "Yes, I double checked." "This fuse should give us plenty of time." "I don't think he has a gun." "This is a very safe neighborhood!" "I am 100% sure of the blast radius."