I bought a dog the other day. I named him Stay. It's fun to call him. "Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!" He went insane. Now he just ignores me and keeps typing.

How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

Change is inevitable... except from vending machines.

The problem with keeping an open mind is that all my ideas tend to fall out.

My goal is to find a soulmate. It's not cheating, just multi-tasking.

When everything's coming up roses, it's time to celebrate. But, when everything's coming up daisies, it's time to mourn.

I always follow my first instinct, That is unless I second guess myself. --------------------------------------------- Why don't you have a drink, your only driving to a funeral right? --------------------------------------------- Why buy a watch from the competitor, I thought time was against us? ---------------------------------------------- You must be smart, because you just confused us all. ----------------------------------------------

1) A clear concience is a sign of a bad memory. 2) For every action,there is an equal and opposite critisism. 3) He who hesitates is probably right. 4) Eagles may soar,but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. 5) I went to find some camouflage clothing,but I couldn't find it. 6) My wife went to a self help group for compulsive talkers,it's called On & On Anon. 7) I'm reading a terrific book about anti-gravity, I just can't put it down. 8) I allways wanted to be somebody,I guess I should have been more specific... 9) If you are what you eat,I'm dead meat. 10) Middle age is having two temptations and choosing the one that will get you home e

The following were some comments made in the year 1957: (1) "I'll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they are, it's going to be impossible to buy a week's groceries for $20.00." (2) "Have you seen the new cars coming out next year? It won't be long when $5,000 will only buy a used one." (3) "If cigarettes keep going up in price, I'm going to quit. A quarter a pack is ridiculous." (4) "Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging a dime just to mail a letter?" (5) "If they raise the minimum wage to $1, nobody will be able to hire outside help at the store." (6) "When I first started driving, who would have thought gas would someday cost 29 cents a gallon.

If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.

Famous last words: "Ok, I'm only going to have one..." -- Said the polygamist right after marrying his first wife.