Accept that some days you are the pigeon, and some days you are the statue.

It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

"I love you" is eight letters, but so is "bull shit."

I decided to kill the sexiest person alive, but then I realized suicide is illegal.

I often dream of the day when my car will be able to drive me home after a long hard day of work. That's about the time the driver next to me abruptly blows his horn telling me to wake up and get back into my own lane.

Q. How do you keep an idiot busy? A. Tell him that the ground is going to fall on him if he doesn't get off it.

Did you hear about the cannibal who was late to dinner? He got the cold shoulder.

Known fact amongst all men: Having sex can help combat asthma and hay fever, now we need to inform all women!

"No one dies a virgin, life screws us all!"

Q: What do mice say when they see the moon?? A: "Ooh, Cheese!"

I never engage in a battle of wits with an unarmed appoint

When I worked in the tourist industry in Florida, we got to wear some of the buttons that were for sale. My favorite read : We love serving tourists; I like mine well done!