Q. How do you keep a jack ass in suspense? A. I`ll tell you tomorrow.

Here's a lighted dynamite stick, please hold it until I get back.

To all who do NOT believe in evolution, I have proof: MY spaghetti from two weeks ago has started growing arms and legs and I think it just called me, "Mommy". By the way, I, myself, do NOT believe in the theory of evolution.

I used to be schizophrenic, but now we're just fine

Vini vedi velcro (I came, I saw, I stuck around)

Q: What is a cheerleader's favorite drink? A: Root Beer!

What did the Chinese people call their retarded son? Sum Ting Wong

What do you call a drummer without a girlfriend? Homeless! P.S. This works for just about any instrument player.

Q) What do you call an ant from overseas? A) Important

I bought some powdered water but I don't know what to add to it.

I bought a dog the other day. I named him Stay. It's fun to call him. "Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!" He went insane. Now he just ignores me and keeps typing.

How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?