What is the difference between a lawyer and a wood tick? A wood tick falls off when you die.

How can you spot a happy motorcyclist? By the bugs in his teeth.

"Honk if you hate noise pollution!"

At the end of a T.V. show, why do they say "filmed in front of a live audience?" Well, it wouldn't be a dead audience, would it?

Joke: Why does Snoop Dogg Carry an umbrella? Answer: For Drizzle my nizzle

Don't follow in my footsteps, I walk into walls.

I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but i can't get my wife to go swimming!

Few women admit their age, Few men act theirs.

Never test the depth of water with both feet. Don't take candy from strangers, unless they offer you a ride. I'll start exercising as soon as i get into shape. If you have something to say, raise your hand and put it over your mouth. Maybe you should go to e-bay and buy a clue. Earth is full. go home. Gee, I'd like to care, but I wasn't given that gene. Mirrors don't lie, and lucky for you, they can't laugh either. (i like this one) If you can't laugh at yourself, at least let me do it. I don't know what makes you so dumb, but it really works. Men are from Mars, Women are from Visa. (ok that was kind'a dumb) I used to have super powers but my therapist took them away.

Q. How do lesbians handle their liquor? A. By the ears. (Lick her)

Q. What do tight pants and a cheap motel have in common? A. No ball room

Why did the squirrel go to the acorn shop? He broke his nuts on something!