"All my life I wanted to be someone; I guess I should have been more specific." -Jane Wagner

"Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years and years of training can, using only their hands and feet, make some of the worst movies in the history of the world." -Dave Barry

Then there was the model who sat on a broken bottle and cut a good figure.

Then there was the neat nurse, who made the patient without disturbing the bed.

Then there were the three bears. One married a giraffe. The other two put him up to it.

"Madame," said the psychiatrist, "you haven't got a complex; you ARE inferior."

The wife ran into the house, screaming to her actor husband, "Darling, come quick. Your kids and my kids are beating up on our kids!"

The Romans had to give up their big holidays because of the tremendous overhead. The lions ate up all of their prophets.

I wonder who came up with the company People's Gas and where was their Pepto-Bismal?

I make money the old-fashioned way. My salary is the same as it was ten years ago.

Actual Newspaper Headline: Kids Make Great Snacks For Teachers.

Overheard in a doctor's waiting room: "My uncle had a cough like yours and he died. Mind you, he was hiding under his neighbour's bed at the time."