Atlas is the biggest thief in history, because he held up the whole world.

My uncle is very superstitious. He won't work any week that has a Friday in it.

You know your day is bad if your twin sister forgot your birthday.

What do you get when you mix cigarettes in hot water? A soggy butt.

Did you hear about the tree that made an Ash of itself?

At weddings old people poke me and say, "You're next!" At funerals, I do the same.

What's the hardest part of skydiving? The ground!

What do you get when you cross a porcupine with a shark? Far far away!

A Mexican and an Iraqi terrorist are in a car. Who's driving? Answer: The police.

What's the difference between MJ and Mr. Potato Head? MJ has more noses. How are MJ and a Wal-Mart bag alike? They're both plastic and hazardous to children.

A wise man once said. I Don't know ask A Girl! A wise man Once Said. Life sucks and then we die.

I didn't lose my mind! I sold it on Ebay...