There is a fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

Waitress: "Would you like your coffee black?" Customer: "What other colors do you have?"

Sam: "Where have I seen your face before?" Pam: "Right where it is now."

"I feel so miserable without you, it's almost like having you here." -Stephen Bishop "I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." - Irvin S. Cobb "I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." - Clarence Darrow "He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway) "He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others." -Samuel Johnson "He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr "I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." -Groucho Marx "I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of

Reporters interviewing a 104 year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked. She simply replied, "No peer pressure."

The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.

Practice safe eating ...Always use condiments.

Beauty is only a light switch away

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her shit.

Make love, not war. Hell, do both GET MARRIED!

A Woman's Rule of Thumb: If it has, tires, or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it.