It is said that "it is always in the last place you look" Well of course! Are there some people out there who keep looking after they find it?

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

Q: Why do women fart less than men? A: Because they won't shut up long enough to build up pressure.

My wife keeps complaining I never listen to her...or something like that.

Don't steal. The government hates competition.

Why is the word abbreviation so long?

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. Now she's 97 years old and we don't know where the hell she is.

If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

I don't exercise because it makes the ice jump right out of my glass.

Lawyers creed: A man is innocent until proven broke.

The Egyptologist sneezed: Hapshepsut!

Ever notice that "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?