My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. Now she's 97 years old and we don't know where the hell she is.

If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

I don't exercise because it makes the ice jump right out of my glass.

Lawyers creed: A man is innocent until proven broke.

The Egyptologist sneezed: Hapshepsut!

Ever notice that "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?

Take your income and add 10%

Every solution breeds new problems.

Did you hear about the new Polish million dollar lotery? You get a dollar a year for a million years!!!

Sometimes I get the feeling the whole world is against me, but deep down I know that's not true. Some of the smaller countries are neutral. -- Robert Orben

Sign seen on a maternity-ward door: Push! Push! Push!

Seen on a bumper sticker: "I don't care who's on board, what you love, who you brake for or what you'd rather be doing."