Q: What do you get when you cross the Atlantic Ocean with the Titanic? A: Halfway.

Q. Why don't witches like to ride their brooms when they're angry? A. They're afraid of flying off the handle!

Never accept a drink from a urologist, nor a friendly handshake from a proctologist.

Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.

When putting cheese in a mousetrap, always leave room for the mouse.

Sometimes you are the dog. Sometimes you are the hydrant

Everyone has a right to be stupid. Some just abuse the privilege.

Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

Be a good housekeeper. When you leave him ... get a good lawyer ...keep his house

Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.