I drive way too fast to worry about my cholesterol.

Success is relative. The more success, the more relatives!

When everything is coming your way, you're on the wrong side of the freeway.

A good way to save face is to keep the lower half shut.

Silence is golden, because you never have to explain something you didn't say.

I'm such an insomniac, the sheep fall asleep before I do.

It is said that "it is always in the last place you look" Well of course! Are there some people out there who keep looking after they find it?

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

Q: Why do women fart less than men? A: Because they won't shut up long enough to build up pressure.

My wife keeps complaining I never listen to her...or something like that.

Don't steal. The government hates competition.

Why is the word abbreviation so long?