If the opposite of pro is con, isn't the opposite of progress, congress?

There was a dyslexic insomniac agnostic. He laid awake all night wondering if there really was a Dog.

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

Before you judge someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you judge them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

When cryptography is outlawed, bayl bhgynjf jvyy unir cevinpl

Two guys walked into a bar... you would have thought the second one would have ducked.

The darkest hours come just before the dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbour's milk and newspaper, that's the time to do it.

Remember, no-one is listening until you fart.

If at first you don't succeed ... avoid skydiving.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day... Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

Never play leapfrog with a unicorn.