Bill and Hillary were going down a back road and stopped at a gas station. As the worker was filling up their car, he said to Hillary, "I went to high school with you". She recognized him and agreed with him. Later, as they were driving down the road, Bill said, "If you had married him you wouldn't be married to the President." Hillary said, "Oh yes, I would - he would be President."

Reporters asked Dan Quayle what he thought of Roe v. Wade? His response: "Two alternate ways to cross the Potomac."

God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him, resting on the seventh day. He inquired of God. "Where have you been?" God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction, and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look, Michael. Look what I've made." Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, "What is it?" "It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put Life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance." "Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused. God explained, pointing to different parts of earth. "For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor. Over there I

An elderly Italian Jewish man wanted to unburden his guilty conscience by talking to his rabbi. "Rabbi, during World War II, when the Germans entered Italy, I pretended to be a 'goy' and changed my name from Levi to Spamoni and I am alive today because of it." "Self preservation is important and the fact that you never forgot that you were a Jew is admirable," said the rabbi. "Rabbi, a beautiful Jewish woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans. I hid her in my attic and they never found her." "That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to feel guilty." "It's worse, Rabbi. I was weak and allowed her to repay me for my efforts with her sexual favours

There have been recent terrorist activities in France. Today the had to upgrade their security system from "Run" to "Hide". If things get any worse they'll have to go to "Surrender", and then "Beg for Mercy".

Dear Abby: My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning, and when I confront him, he denies everything. What's worse, everyone knows he cheats on me. It is so humiliating. Since he lost his job five years ago, he hasn't even looked for a new one. All he does is buy cigars and cruise around and bullshit with his pals, while I have to work to pay the bills. Since our daughter went away to college he doesn't even pretend to like me and hints that I am a lesbian. What should I do? Signed, Clueless Dear Clueless: Grow up and dump him. For Pete's sake, you don't need him any more. You're a United States Senator from New York. Act like it!

Did you know that the goverment finds Native American chiefs more important than presidents? The new head on Mt. Rushmore is at least twice the size of the others. It's the head of an Indian!

Here is a list of some really stupid laws I've seen: Alaska- You can't wake up a sleeping bear, just to take its picture. Florida-Unmarried women may not parachute on Sundays. Idaho- You can't fish from the back of a camel. (Who has a pet camel in Idaho anyway?!?) Oklahoma-Whaling is illegal. (hint-there aren't any oceans or whales in Oklahoma!) You also can't sleep on a refrigerator OUTDOORS, although it is perfectly legal to sleep on your refrigerator in public, as long as you are indoors. Baldwin Park, California- You can't (and why would you?) ride bicycles in swimming pools. Houston, Texas- You can't sell Limburger cheese on Sunday. Lexington, Kentucky- You can't carry an ice

A dumb list for dumb laws: Australia 1. Children may not purchase cigarettes, but can smoke them. 2. You may never leave your car keys in an unattended vehicle. 3. It is illegal to roam the streets wearing black clothes, felt shoes and black shoe polish on your face as these items are the tools of a cat burglar. England 1. Those wishing to use a television must apply for a license. 2. It is illegal to leave baggage unattended. 3. Picking up abandoned baggage is as act of terrorism. France 1. Between the hours of 8AM and 8PM, 70% of the music in the radio must be by French composers. Thailand 1. It is illegal to leave your house if you are not wearing underwear. 2. You must wear a shir

One day a cop walks in to a barber shop and gets a haircut. He tries to pay the barber but the barber says, "Im doing free haircuts this week." The cop thanks him and walks away. The next day there is a box of a dozen donuts on the barber's desk. A republican walks in and gets a haircut. He tries to pay the barber but the barber says, "Im doing free haircuts this week." The republican thanks him and walks away. The next day there is a self help book on his desk. A democrat walks in and gets a haircut. He tries to pay the barber but barber says, "I'm doing free haircuts this week." The next day, there are 20 democrats at the door waiting for a free haircut.

Politians are like constipated people-they're full of shit.

A brother and sister are in a terrible car accident and the brother is badly injured. At the hospital the doctor tells the sister, "His brain is dead, but his pulse is still beating." The sister replies, "Oh no! We've never had a Democrat in the family before!"