Two men were running for the same seat in their state senate. The two men had just finished meeting for lunch in a restaurant. Said the first man "I'm going to win the election because I put in a personal touch. For example, I left the waiter a ten dollar tip so that he would vote for me." "That's nothing," replies the second man to the first, "I left the waiter a 5 cent tip, and told him that I was your campaign manager."

Late one night in the Washington D.C., a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into the path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs. "Give me your money!" he demanded. Indignant, the affluent man replied, "You can't do this - I'm a US Congressman!" "In that case," replied the robber, "give me MY money!"

God says the world is going to end, so he chooses three famous people to tell everyone. So, George Bush, Bill Gates, and Saddam Hussein come to see, him. God tells them that the world is going to end and tells them to tell their people. George Bush goes live on CNN and tells America, "Folks, I've got some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you were right all along, there is a God. The bad news is that he is ending the world." Saddam goes to tell all of his people of his encounter, "My people, I have some bad news and some worse news, the bad news is that those damn Americans were right all along, there is a God. The worse news is that he is ending the world." Then Bill Gates

What exactly does the government do? They seem to complicate all the simple things while trying to do the opposite.

A kid was sitting on his lawn with a litter of puppies one morning. George Bush was on his morning run, accompanied by some Secret Service workers. He kindly asked the boy what kind of puppies they were. The little boy said, "Republicans." The President beamed, patted the boy on the head, and said, "Atta boy!" A few weeks later Bush was jogging again, this time with Dick Cheney in tow. Bush stopped at the boy's house, winked at Dick and said, "Hi little boy, what kind of puppies are those?" The boy said, "Democrats." Bush was shocked and crushed. "What happened? A few weeks ago they were Republicans!" The boy answered, "Well, then the puppies opened their eyes."

George W Bush wanted a special postage stamp issued, with his picture on it. He instructed his Postmaster General, stressing that it should be of international quality. When the stamps were released, Bush heard complaints that the stamps were not sticking properly, and he become furious. He called the chief of the Secret Service and ordered him to investigate the matter. The chief checked the matter out at several post offices, and then reported on the problem to Bush. He said, "Sir, the stamp is really of international quality. The problem is, our citizens are spitting on the wrong side!"

George W. Bush and Colin Powell are sitting in a bar. A guy walks in and asks the barman, "Isn`t that Bush and Powell sitting over there?" The barman says, "Yep, that`s them." So the guy walks over and says, "Wow, this is a real honor. What are you guys doing in here?" Bush says, "We`re planning World War III". And the guy says, "Really? What`s going to happen?" Bush says, "Well, we`re going to kill 140 million Iraqis and one intelligent blonde." The guy exclaimed, "Intelligent blonde! Why kill a blonde?" Bush turns to Powell, punches him on the shoulder and says, "See, smart ass? I told you no one would worry about the 140 million Iraqis!"

What does the government have but never uses to make life simple? Their power!

Bill Clinton and Al Gore went into a local diner for lunch. As they read the menu, the waitress came over and asked Clinton, "Are you ready to order, sir?" Clinton replies, "Yes, I'd like a quickie." "A quickie?!" the waitress replies with disgust. "Sir, given the current situation of your personal life, I don't believe that's a good idea. I'll come back later when you are ready to make an order from the MENU." She walks away. Al Gore leans over to Clinton and says, "Sir, it's pronounced 'Quiche'"

Bill & Hillary Clinton were sleeping at the White House. Hillary wakes up and starts shaking Bill to wake him up. "Bill, Bill wake up." Bill continues sleeping. Hillary shouts, "Bill, Bill wake up." Bill finally wakes up and says, "What do you want?" Hillary responds, "I have to go use the bathroom." Bill says, "Please tell me you didn't wake me up just to tell me you have to go to the bathroom." Hillary says, "No, I just wanted to tell you to save my spot."

Soup manufacturers announced today that they will be stocking America's shelves this week with "Clinton Soup," that will honor one of the nation's most distinguished men. It consists primarily of a small weenie in hot water. Chrysler Corporation is adding a new car to its line to honor Bill Clinton. The Dodge Drafter will begin production in Canada this year. When Clinton was asked what he thought about foreign affairs, he replied: "I don't know, I never had one." American Indians have nicknamed Bill Clinton as "Walking Eagle" because he is so full of crap he can't fly. Clinton only lacks three things to become one of America's finest leaders: Integrity, vision, and wisdom. Clinton is d

In a bi-partisan move, President Bush has nominated Dr. Hannibal Lecter as his candidate for US Surgeon General. "I think Dr. Lecter will serve with pride, fava beans, and a nice Chianti," Bush announced. In another announcement, Special Agent Clarice Starling will become the new FBI director. She's expected to work closely with the new Surgeon General on a case concerning missing former Vice President Al Gore. President Bush had recently arranged a meeting between Gore and Lecter. Lecter was the last person to see Gore before Gore's sudden disappearance in early January. Lecter noted that he, "enjoyed having Gore for dinner," but was upset at how Gore, or, rather the *subject* of Go