For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

"Ahhhh..." "Mike! What's wrong?" "I-I had a nightmare." "What was the nightmare?" "I-I-" "Yes?" "I-I-" "Spit it out!" "I-I went to heaven."

Which sweet is very clever? A Smartie

Q: Why did the hand cross the road? A: To get to the second-hand shop!

I've been following the ongoing Evolution vs Intelligent Design controversy, and as a card-carrying botanist, I'm a very strong supporter of Darwin. But still, there are things in life that rational science simply cannot explain. Like Paris Hilton...

THIS JOKE IS NOT MEANT TO OFFEND ANYBODY There's this guy Joe who has a parrot that he adores. Well, Joe has to go on a trip and doesn't know what to do about his parrot. Three of his buddies, who live together, offer to take him in. The three guys are Norwegian, Swiss, and African-American. Joe completely trusts these guys so he leaves his parrot with them for the week. When Joe comes back he find his bird all bandaged up. He has a broken wing, a fractured leg, and bruises all over. He asks his parrot, "Well, what happened?" The parrot replies "I kind of got beat up" Joe asks, "Was it the Norwegian?" The parrot says, "No, he was very nice." Joe again asks, "Well, was it the Swiss?

An old Italian Mafia Don is dying, so he calls his grandson to his bed. "Grandson, I wanna you lissin to me. I wanna you for you to take my chrome plated 38 revolver so you will always remember me." "But grandpa, I really don't like guns, ... how about leaving me your Rolex watch instead." "You lissin to me. Somma day you gonna be runna da bussiness, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big home and maybe a couple of bambina. Am I right?" "Yes grandpa, I guess so." "Ok, so soma day you gonna come home and maybe finda you wife in bed with anotha man. Whada you gonna do? Pointa to da watch and say, ... TIMES UP!?"

Nicholaas (toe 4) het by sy ouma gaan kuier, en ouma het dit goed gedink om hom bietjie groentes te leer eet wat sy ma nie graag gaar maak nie. Die spesifieke dag is broccoli aan die beurt, en ouma versin die oulikste stories oor die boompies wat hy gaan proe. Hy begin ewe entosiasties aan die eerste een eet, maar ouma sien hy kou al stadiger en kry so veraf trek in sy ogies. "Ouma," roep hy toe sy ouma wat intussen in die spens verdwyn het, "kom kyk hier!" Die mannetjie beduie toe na sy bord waar hy die laaste "boompie" staan gemaak het, mooi vasgedruk in die middel van die rys. "Kyk net, hierdie is die Paradys, en daardie boom is die boom waarvan God gesê het ons mag nie eet nie!"

Wat is die toppunt van geraas? 2 geraamtes wat woellig spyker op n sinkdak met n coke blikkie as n kondoom!

Pappa : jy moet nou soet wees, ek gan jou tottie afkap. Seuntjie : kan ma afkap, want sussie sin is klaar af en omgedop en dit lyk BEFOK!!

If a kid asks where rain comes from, I tell him, "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, I tell him, "Probably because of something you did."

It is illegal to stick coins in your ears in the state of Hawaii.