1. Did you hear about the man who had a shower without getting his hair wet? He was bald! 2. Did you hear about the boy who was named after his father? His name was Dad!

A new father goes into the delivery room to see his newborn baby boy. The doctor pulls him aside and says, " I have the most amazing news! Your boy can fly!" The doctor sees the doubt in the father's eyes so he offers a demonstration. He picks up the little boy, holds him high in the air and lets go. The baby falls to the floor with a loud thump. "You son of a bitch!" screams the new father, ready to kill the doctor. " Wait! Something must be wrong! He flew this morning. Let me try again!" He flings the boy across the room and he slams against the wall and slides down to the floor. "Oh my god! I am going to kill you!" shrieks the father as he is running towards the baffeled doctor. "No,

My friend Sam was taking electricity as one of his high school electives, originally being interested in robotics. Unfortunately, he changed his mind, but was still stuck with finishing his despised electricity books. "Do you have any idea of a direction you are going to go now?" asked my mother. He shook his head. "No idea..." That's when my dad jumped in. "Well, even though you won't use it in your career, now you will know what happens electrically when you push the little red button and say 'Welcome to Sheetz, Pump 5 is on.'"

The funniest bumper sticker is: Keep honking I'm reloading!

What does a grape say when it gets squished? Nothing, it just lets out a little whine.

A guy walks into a bar and orders three whiskey sours, drinks them down BAM! BAM! BAM! Then he orders three more. The bartender's having a slow night and appreciates the business, but is also concerned. "Hey buddy, slow down. What seems to be the problem?" The guy answers, "I went on a week-long business trip, and had to leave my wife alone. I've had my suspicions about our next-door neighbor, so I hung a weight from the bottom of the bedspring just above a bowl of cream." The bartender nods sympathetically and pours the guy another. "So you came home and found cream on the weight?" The guy downs his fourth whiskey sour and says, "It's worse than that. The cream had turned into butte

8 dumb headlines! Can you figure out what they are trying to say? 1. Subway Finds Dirtier Subways After Cleaning Jobs Were Cut -New York times 2. Study Finds Sex, Pregnancy Link -Cornell Daily Sun 3. Low Wages Said Key To Poverty -Newsday 4. Malls Try To Atract Shoppers- Baltimore Sun 5. Official: Only Rain Will Cure Drought -Westport Herald News 6. Teenage Girls Often Have Babies Fathered By Men- Oregonian 7. Man Shoots Neighbor With Machete 8. Free Advice: Bundle Up When Out In The Cold -Lexington Herald-Leader

I'm racist because I have colored TV.

What do you say to Mexican with a high salary? Can I have ketchup on those fries?

A cannibal went to a brain store one day because he was craving brains. he decided he wanted to try a musician's brains to see if they taste any different. He looked around and saw the prices. Trumpet Brains-$25.00/pound Trombone Brains-$1.00/pound Percussion Brains- 10.00/pound Tuba Brains-$0.50/pound Colorguard Brains-$0.25/pound Clairinet Brains-$1000.00/pound Flute Brains-$0.50/pound So the cannibal turned and saw a man that worked there. He said to the guy: "Why are the clarinet brains so expensive?" The man replied "DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY CLAIRINET PLAYERS YOU HAVE TO KILL TO GET ONE POUND OF BRAINS?"

What did the popsicle say to the lollypop as he was leaving? So long, sucker!

What did the lollipop say to the popsicle? 'Cool, dude!'