Isn't it fascinating how feet smell and noses run?

If you think about it, a muffin is just a bald cupcake!

As far as we Americans know, Osama Bin Laden could, quite possibly, be right here in New York, posing as a cab driver, and we'd never know.

I understand that Scissors can beat Paper, and I get how Rock can beat Scissors, but there's no fucking way Paper can beat Rock. Paper is supposed to magically wrap around Rock leaving it immobile? Why the hell can't paper do this to scissors? Screw scissors, why can't paper do this to people? Why isn't notebook paper constantly suffocating students while they take notes in class? I'll tell you why: because paper can't beat anybody; a rock would tear that shit up in 2 seconds. When I play rock/paper/scissors, I always choose rock. Then when somebody claims to beat me with their paper I can punch them in the face with my already clenched fist and say, "Oh shit, I'm sorry. I thought paper woul

"Is there chicken in your vegetarian gumbo?" - Asked of a waitress. "Just the chicken." The response a waitress gave when asked if there were any dairy products in a soup. "Would you like cream and sugar with that?" - Asked by a waitress when a customer specified orange juice instead of coffee as part of a breakfast meal. "Do you want cheese on that?" - Asked when a customer ordered a plain cheeseburger. "You want fries with that?" - Asked when a customer ordered an apple turnover. "Do you want onions on that?" - A waitress, in response to a couple ordering a milk shake and a large cola. "Is there any meat in the veggie rolls?" "Do you get rice with your fried rice?" "I'm sorry, we o

Have you ever heard of the kissing shield? No? then look at this list of crazy inventions people just like you made; Kissing shield Face bake Horse diaper Whopper wheels Skateboard pirate Light bulb changer Beach boots Remote controlled horse Flying bike Baby bottom art Pump power Dummy chicken farmer Airplane moisturizer Alarm fork All terrain stroller Aqua swing Baby cage Ball blinders Banana head BIRD CAT TRAP FEEDER Boob tube Boatless water skiing Hijacker detector And many more dumb inventions soon to come. Be watching!

Idiot # 1 I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down, and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants. I told her that she better bring her daughter into the Emergency room right away. Here's your sign lady. Wear it with pride. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Idiot # 2 Seems that a year ago, some Boeing employees on the

After many unhappy replies from our current vending service we decided that what they really needed was a different form letter that was more closely tied to their true feeling: BFD Vending Service Thank you for your inquiry/comments/complaints about our vending serve -We are aware that your machine as not been stocked in 50 days. -We are waiting for the weekend. -We are out of items that have expired. -We're busy, don't bother us about this. -We don't care. -We are aware that the price for you seems high at $10,000.000, but we have to make a living. -We use an algorithm 50% retail for people your age. -We charge others more. -We adjust it to allow for spoilage. We are aw

Q:What do you call a Bass Clarinet player with half a brain? A: Gifted

THESE ARE REAL NOTES FROM A REAL CHILLI COOK OFF Notes from an inexperienced chili taster named Frank, who was visiting Texas from the east coast: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting. So I accepted. Here are the scorecards from the event: Chilli # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato

"Well, what have we here...?" He has no idea and is hoping you'll give him a clue. "Well, we're not feeling so well today, are we...?" I'm stalling for time. "If it doesn't clear up in a week, give me a call." I don't know what it is. Maybe it will go away by itself. "Let me check your medical history." I want to see if you've paid your last bill before spending anymore time with you. "Well, now, we have some good news and some bad news." The good news is, I'm going to buy that new BMW. The bad news is, you're going to pay for it. "This should be taken care of right away." I'd planned a trip to Hawaii next month but this is so easy and profitable that I want to fix it before i

Recently, I was diagnosed with A. A. A. D. D. - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder. This is how it manifests: I decide to water my garden. As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide my car needs washing. As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mail box earlier. I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car. I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table, and notice that the can is full, so I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage first. But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the