A blind man was describing his favorite sport, parachuting. When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him: "I am placed in the door with my seeing eye dog and told when to jump. My hand is placed on my release ring for me and out I go with the dog." "But how do you know when you are going to land?" he was asked. "I have a very keen sense of smell, and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground" he answered. "But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground?" he was again asked. He answered: "Oh, the dog's leash goes slack."

Top Ten Reasons to Procrastinate 1.

Everything I Need to Know, I Learned in Corporate America. 1. Indecision is the key to flexibility. 2. You can't tell which way the train went by looking at the track. 3. There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation. 4. Happiness is merely the remission of pain. 5. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be. 6. Sometimes too much to drink is not enough. 7. The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant. 8. The careful application of terror is also a form of communication. 9. Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world. 10. Things are more like they are today than they ever were before. 11. Anything worth fighting for is w

George Carlin Speaks Out... I Am Your Worst Nightmare. I am a BAD American. I am George Carlin. I like big cars, big hooters, and big paychecks. I believe the money I make belongs to me and my family, not some midlevel governmental functionary with a bad comb-over who wants to give it away to crack addicts squirting out babies. I believe that if you are selling me a Big Mac, you'd better do it in English. I'm not in touch with my feelings and I like it that way. I believe that it doesn't take a village to raise a child, it takes two parents. I think owning a gun doesn't make you a killer. I want to know which church is it exactly where the Reverend Jesse Jackson preaches. And wh

A mathematician, an accountant and an economist apply for the same job. The interviewer calls in the mathematician and asks "What do two plus two equal?" The mathematician replies "Four." The interviewer asks "Four, exactly?" The mathematician looks at the interviewer incredulously and says, "Yes, four, exactly." Then the interviewer calls in the accountant and asks the same question "What do two plus two equal?" The accountant says, "On average, four - give or take ten percent, but on average, four." Then the interviewer calls in the economist and poses the same question "What do two plus two equal?" The economist gets up, locks the door, closes the shade, sits down next to the inte

Q. What did the pedophile say when he got out of jail? A. I feel like a kid again!

Q. If they bring shrimp home on shrimp boats, fish home on fish boats, and clams home on clam boats, what do they bring crabs home on? A. The Captain's dinghy!

Acme Rope, Inc. - Knot your ordinary company. Acme Mine Shafts - Drop in any time Acme Lollipops - One lick and you'll stick with us. Acme Light Company - We have lots of bright ideas. Acme Clown Make-up - Let us put a smile on your face. Acme Perfume Corp. - We love it when business stinks. Acme Air Conditioning - We show people how to chill out. Acme Toy Company - Our work is kids' play. Acme Perfume Company - Our work is all dollars and scents. Acme Almond Company - We're nuts! Acme Sheep Farm - Our mind is on ewe. Acme Calculators - We help you solve your problems. Acme Flower Bulbs - We root for you. Acme Psychologists - Visit us and you won't go away mad! Acme Poultry Ma

ACURA Another Crummy, Useless, Rotten Automobile Asia's Curse Upon Rural America AMC All Makes Combined A Major Cost A Mutated Car A Morons Car Another Major Catastrophe AUDI Awfully Unsafe Designs Implemented Accelerates Under Demonic Influence Automobile Under Demonic Influence Another Ugly Deutsche Invention Always Undermining Deutsche Intelligence Automobile Unsafe Designs, Inc. BMW Big Money Works Bought My Wife Brutal Money Waster Break My Window Break My Windshield Babbling Mechanical Wench Beastly Monstrous Wonder Beautiful Masterpieces on Wheels Beautiful Mechanical Wonder Barely Moving Wreck Big Money Waste Big Money. Why? Big Money Works Born Moderatel

The Cynic's Guide to Life The journey of a thousand miles begins with a squeaking fan belt and a leaky tire. I believe for every drop of rain that falls, a flower grows. And a foundation leaks and a ball game gets rained out and a car rusts and... Follow your dream. Unless it's the one where you're at work in your underwear during a fire drill. Always take time to stop and smell the roses... and sooner or later you'll inhale a bee. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either, just leave me alone. If you don't like my driving, don't call anyone. Just take another road. That's why the highway department made so many of

A man stepped onto the overnight train and told the conductor, "I need you to wake me up in Philadelphia. I'm a deep sleeper and can be ornery when I get up, but no matter what, I want you to help me make that stop. Here's $100 to make sure." The conductor agreed. The man fell asleep, and when he awoke he heard the announcement that the train was approaching New York. Furious, he collared the conductor. "I gave you $100 to make sure I got off in Philadelphia, you worthless fool!" "Wow," another passenger said to his traveling companion. "Is that guy ever mad!" "Yeah," his companion replied. "But not half as mad as that guy they forced off the train in Philadelphia."

BE SURE THAT THERE IS A PROBLEM. One fine day, a bus driver went to the bus garage, started his bus, and drove off along the route. No problems for the first few stops-a few people got on, a few got off, and things went generally well. At the next stop, however, a big hulk of a guy got on. Six feet eight, built like a wrestler, arms hanging down to the ground. He glared at the driver and said, "Big John doesn't pay!" and sat down at the back. Did I mention that the driver was five feet three, thin, and basically meek? Well, he was. Naturally, he didn't argue with Big John, but he wasn't happy about it. The next day the same thing happened-Big John got on again, made a showoff refusing to