We have all had bad dates, but this takes the cake. This just tells you how tough it is to be single nowadays. This was on the "Tonight Show" with Jay Leno. Jay went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first date that a woman ever had. The winner described her worst first date experience. There absolutely no question as to why her tale took the prize! She said it was midwinter, snowing and quite cold; and the guy had taken her skiing to Lake Arrowhead. It was a day trip (no overnight). They were strangers, after all, and truly had never met before. The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until they were headed home late that afternoon. They were driving back down the mount

Q: How do you sink a canadian submarine? A: You swim underneath it and knock on the door

I sent flowers to someone who was moving to Florida for a job promotion. I also sent flowers the same day to a funeral for a friend. I found out later that the flower shop got the cards mixed up. They sent the card to the guy who was moving that said, "Deepest Condolences," and sent the card to the funeral home that said, "I know it's hot where you're going, but you deserve it."

It's time once again to consider the candidates for the annual Stella Awards. The Stella's are named after 81-year-old Stella Liebeck who spilled coffee on herself and successfully sued McDonalds. That case inspired the Stella Awards for the most frivolous successful lawsuits in the United States. The following are this year's candidates: 1. Kara Walton of Claymont, Delaware, successfully sued the owner of a nightclub in a neighboring city when she fell from the bathroom window to the floor and knocked out her two front teeth. This occurred while Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the window in the ladies room to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge. She was awarded $12,000 and dental e

Q: Where is Spiderman's home page? A: On the world wide web. Q: Why is Superman stupid? A: Because he wears his underwear over his pants. Q: Why is Batman more stupid? A: Because he wears his underwear over his pants and puts on a belt over his underwear. Q: Why is Robin even more stupid? A: Because he followed what batman did. Q: Why is Wonder Woman stupid? A: Because she wears a belt on her head. Q: Why is Spiderman the most stupid superhero of them all? A: Because he wears his underwear over his head.

There were three men at a bar. One man got drunk and started a fight with the other two men. The police came and took the drunk guy to jail. The next day the man went before the judge. The judge asked the man, "Where do you work?" The man said, "Here and there." The judge asked the man, "What do you do for a living?" The man said, "This and that." The judge then said, "Take him away." The man said, "Wait, judge when will I get out?" The judge said to the man, "Sooner or later."

This Is A True Story, It Really Happened An elderly lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her car. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at them at the top of her voice, "I have a gun and I know how to use it! Get out of the car, scumbags !" The four men didn't wait for a second invitation but got out and ran like mad, whereupon the lady, somewhat shaken, proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and get into the driver's seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried, and then it dawned on her why. A few minutes later she found h

What kind of shoes do you wear to the beach? SANDals!

I did not kill my lovely wife, I did not slash her with a knife. I did not bonk her on the head, I did not know that she was dead. I stayed at home that fateful night, I took a cab, then took a flight. The bag I had was just for me. My bag! My bag! Hey, leave it be. When I came home I had a gash, My hand was cut from broken glass, I cut my hand on broken glass, A broken glass did cause that gash. I have nothing, nothing to hide. My friend, he took me for a ride; Did you take this person's life? Did you do it with a knife? I did not do it with a knife, I did not, could not kill my wife. I did not do this awful crime, I could not, would not any time. Did you hit her from above? Did you drop th

How do you leave a message on this thing? I can't understand the instructions. Hello. Testing 1 2 3. I wonder what happens if I touch this... YOW! You know what I hate about answering machine messages? They go on and on, wasting your time. I mean, all they really need to say is, "We aren't in, leave a message." That's why I've decided to keep mine simple and short. I pledge to you, my caller, that you will never have to suffer through another long answering machine message when you call me... Drawling granny voice: Way back inna winner of fifty-two, we didn' have fanshy gadjets like no ansherin' machine. You jusht had to call and call until shummbody got home. Now, shum people, dey shay de

1. Enter the stall. Shower for about 3 minutes, then scream really loudly, exclaiming, "I didn't know I had one of THOSE!" 2. Enter the stall, fully clothed. Do not undress and make sure you clothes get all wet & soapy. Complain when leaving the bathroom that your shirt tends to bleed all over. 3. Ask Scottie to beam you up. 4. Enter the stall, undress and then re-dress up as Superman. Leap out of the stall, vengefully vow to stop Lex Luthor's evil plot, then run full force into the wall. Stand up, shake your head, and proceed to take your shower. 5. Bring a bottle of fake blood or ketchup into the shower with you. Exclaim "Ow, you know, it really hurts when you pop one of those." T

15 Fun Things to do in Public Areas ------------------------------------------ (I actually did all of these) 1. Go up to random people and ask "How are you doing?" See what kind of conversation you can start. (I met lots of new people this way) 2. Ask someone what another person's name is nearby. Go up to that person and say "Hey, *person's name*. How are you? You forgot my name, again, didn't you!?" (People normally look at me very confused with this one.) 3. Fall down in front of strangers, and see if they try to help. (If they don't help, I yell out, "FINE! DON'T HELP ME THEN!") 4. Bump into someone and pretend it causes you to fall down. See if they apologize. (This is hard