Why did the banana go to the doctors? Because it wasn't peeling well

What type of saw cuts the sea? A see-saw.

What is the noisiest part of a tree? Its bark.

These are actual signs found around the world... =================================== A sign seen on a restroom dryer at O'Hare Field in Chicago: Do not activate with wet hands. At a car dealership: The best way to get back on your feet? Miss a car payment. At A Laundry Shop: How about we refund your money, send you a new one at no charge, close the store and have the manager shot. Would that be satisfactory? At a Music Store: Out to lunch. Bach at 12:30. Offenbach sooner. At a number of US military bases: Restricted to unauthorized personnel. At a pizza shop: 7 days without pizza makes one weak. At a Santa Fe gas station: We will sell gasoline to anyone in a glass container. At a tir

Rules For Chocolate =================================== If you've got melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too slowly. Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices & strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want. The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in hot car. The solution: Eat it in the parking lot. Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the edge off your appetite and you'll eat less. A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Isn't that handy? If you can't eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer. But if you can't eat all your chocolate,

A lady is throwing a party for her granddaughter, and had gone all out..... a caterer, band, and a hired clown. Just before the party started, two bums showed up looking for a handout. Feeling sorry for the bums, the woman told them that she would give them a meal if they will help chop some wood for her out back. Gratefully, they headed to the rear of the house. The guests arrived, and all was going well with the children having a wonderful time. But the clown hadn't shown up. After a half and hour, the clown finally called to report that he was stuck in traffic, and would probably not make the party at all. The woman was very disappointed and unsuccessfully tried to entertain the childre

"Look at ME!" boasted the fit old man, pounding a very flat and firm stomach, having just finished 100 situps before a group of young people. "Fit as a fiddle! And you want to know why? I don't smoke, I don't drink, I don't stay up late, and I don't chase after loose women!" He smiled at them, teeth white, eyes aglitter, "And tomorrow -- tomorrow, I'm going to celebrate my *90th* birthday!" "Oh, really?" drawled one of the young onlookers, "How?"

24 Signs that You're Getting OLD ---------------------------------------------------------- 1. You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead. 2. Your back goes out more than you do. 3. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room. 4. You buy a compass for the dash of your car/truck. 5. You are proud of your lawn mower. 6. Your best friend is dating someone half their age, and isn't breaking any laws. 7. Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper. 8. You sing along with the elevator music. 9. You would rather go to work than stay home sick. 10. You enjoy hearing about other people's operations. 11. You no longer think of speed limits as

A wise old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home near a junior high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment. Then a new school year began. The very next afternoon three young boys, full of youthful, after-school enthusiasm, came down his street, beating merrily on every trash can they encountered. The crashing percussion continued day after day, until finally the wise old man decided it was time to take some action. The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the young percussionists as they banged their way down the street. Stopping them, he said, "You kids are a lot of fun. I like to see you express your exuberance like that. In fact, I used

A guy gets a new job at a bubble gum shop. One day a guy comes in and asks, "How much is your gum?" So the guy replies, "I don't know." The customer walks out and the manager comes in and says, "You should of said 50 cents." Another customer comes in and asks, "How much is your gum?" The guy says, "50 cents." Then the customer asks, "Is it fresh," and the guy answers, "I don't know." The customer walks out and the manager comes in and says, "You should have said yes, very very fresh." So another customer comes in and says, "How much is your gum?" The guys answers, "50 cents." Then the customer asked if it's fresh, to which the guy answers, "Yes very very fresh." The customer then asks,

Here is a list of the ways professors grade their final exams: DEPT OF STATISTICS: All grades are plotted along the normal bell curve. DEPT OF PSYCHOLOGY: Students are asked to blot ink in their exam books, close them and turn them in. The professor opens the books and assigns the first grade that comes to mind. DEPT OF HISTORY: All students get the same grade they got last year. DEPT OF PHILOSOPHY: What is a grade? LAW SCHOOL: Students are asked to defend their position of why they should receive an A. DEPT OF MATHEMATICS: Grades are variable. DEPT OF LOGIC: If and only if the student is present for the final and the student has accumulated a passing grade then the student will recei

Q: Why did the turtle cross the road? A:To get to the shell gas station!