Going to bed the other night, I noticed people in my shed, stealing things. I phoned the police but was told nobody was in the area to help. They said they would send someone over as soon as possible. I hung up. A minute later, I phoned again. "Hello" I said, "I called you a minute ago because there were people in my shed. You don't have to worry now because I shot them." Within minutes, there were half a dozen police cars in the area, plus helicopters and an armed response unit. They caught the burglars red-handed. One of the officers said, "I thought you said you shot them." To which I replied, "I thought you said there was no one available."

Oscar got to the broken down inn and asked for a room. "I have only one room left," said the innkeeper, "But before I give it to you, I must tell you that room is where the white-eyed ghost lives." Oscar wasn't worried. "I'll take the room," he said, "I'm not afraid of ghosts." That night, when Oscar went to bed, a scary voice said, "Boooo! I am the white-eyed ghost...." "Shut up!" Oscar said, "i'm tired!" "Boooooo" the ghost said again, "I am the white-eyed ghost!" Oscar sat up, reached over, picked up a chair and threw it at the ghost, who disappeared. Oscar lay down again and shut his eyes. "Boooooo!" moaned the voice from the darkness, "I am the black-eyed ghost...."

LADY TO BEGGAR- Why don't you get a job? BEGGAR- Actually, I'm an author. I once wrote a book entitled "One Hundred Ways to Make Money." LADY- Well then why are you begging? BEGGAR- It's one of my ways...

One fine day in the middle of the night, Two dead men got up to fight, Back to back they faced each other, Drew their swords and shot each other, A paralyzed donkey passing by, Kicked a blind man in the eye, Knocked him through a nine-inch wall Into a dry ditch and drowned them all.

CUSTOMER: "Look at that watch you sold me. It broke. You told me it would last a lifetime." CLERK: "Yeah, well you looked pretty sick the day you bought it."

You know you're addicted to Wocka.com when... 1.) You have dreamt of Wocka in your sleep, and have actually made up a joke in your sleep. 2.) You've added people to your buddy list JUST to see the last time that they've logged in. 3.) The top username in the rankings is your idol. 4.) You have a notebook filled up with all the jokes you've made up. 5.) If you get up in the middle of the night to use the restroom, you just HAVE to check how your new joke is doing, along with reading a "quickie" joke. 6.) You know the Wocka point system by heart. (hmmmmm) 7.) As you read this list, you're thinking about forwarding it to your friends. 8.) The only way that you keep in contact wi

AIRPLANE: What Mom impersonates to get a 1-yr.-old to eat strained beets. ALIEN: What Mom would suspect had invaded her house if she spotted a child-sized creature cleaning up after itself. APPLE: Nutritious lunchtime dessert which children will trade for cupcakes. BABY: 1. Dad, when he gets a cold. 2. Mom's youngest child, even if he's 42. BATHROOM: a room used by the entire family, believed by all (except Mom) to be self-cleaning. BECAUSE: Mom's reason for having kids do things which can't be explained logically. BED & BREAKFAST: Two things the kids will never make for themselves. CARPET: Expensive floor covering used to catch spills and clean mud off shoes. CAR POOL: Complicat

In Fahrenheits... 60 Californians put on sweaters (if they can find one) 50 Miami residents turn on the heat 40 You can see your breath, Californians shiver uncontrollably, Minnesotans go swimming 35 Italian cars don't start 32 Water freezes 30 You plan your vacation to Australia 25 Boston water freezes, Californians weep pitiably, Minnesotans eat ice cream, Canadians go swimming 20 Politicians begin to talk about the homeless, New York City water freezes, Miami residents plan vacation further South 15 French cars don't start, Cat insists on sleeping in your bed with you 10 You need jumper cables to get the car going 5 American cars don't start 0 Alaskans put on T-shi

A man with two left feet walked into a shoe store and asked, " Do you have any flip-flips?"

A student was in the percussion section of the band, and was not doing well. The band had a performance that night, and the conductor had an annoucement to make. The conductor said, "When a student is having trouble playing an instrument, we can give him two sticks and make him a percussionist, and let him play the drums, which---" The conductor was interrupted by a student in the back of the room who said, "And when that's too hard for him, we can take one of his sticks away, and make him a conductor!"

Once upon a time there was a mother duck and a father duck who had seven baby ducklings. Six of them were regular-looking ducklings. The seventh was a REALLY ugly duckling. Everyone used to say, "What a nice-looking bunch of ducklings--- all except that one. Boy, he's really ugly." The really ugly duckling heard these people, but he didn't care. He knew that ONE day, he would probably grow up to be a swan, and be bigger and look better than anything in the pond. * * * * * * * * WELL, AS IT TURNED OUT, HE WAS JUST A REALLY UGLY DUCKLING. AND HE GREW UP TO BE JUST A REALLY UGLY DUCK. THE END.

Q: Why do black people have white hands? A: Everyone has a little good in them