1. Get 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in peoples carts when the aren't looking. 2. Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals. 3. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms. 4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in housewares, and see what happens 5. Go the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on lay away. 6. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area. 7. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you'll invite them in if they bring pillows from the bedding department. 8. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask 'Why can't you people

This is how you know if you are addicted to the internet: 1) You kiss you girlfriend's home page. 2.) Your bookmarks list takes 15 minutes to scroll from top to bottom. 3.) Your eyeglasses have a web site burned into them. 4.) You find yourself brainstorming for new subjects to Google. 5.) You refuse to go to a vacation spot with no electricity and no phone lines. 6.) You finally do take that vacation, but only after buying a cellular modem and a laptop. 7.) You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap, and your kid in the overhead compartment. 8.) Your dreams are in HTML. 9.) You find yourself typing ".com" after every period when using a word processor. 10.) You

Dear brother, I smile because you are my brother. I laugh because there is absolutely nothing you can do about it!

I'm not against Avril Lavigne or anything, I like her, but I heard this, and it was pretty funny. This is the changed lyric to the chorus of Complicated: "Why'd you have to go and make me so constipated? You see the way I'm scrunching up my pitiful face when I'm on the toilet, And during this I - I push, and I strain, and I sweat, and I pray, Dear Lord, that you'll let it come out; Sooner or later I'll have to leave the bathroom, Yeah, yeah, yeah..."

These are phrases found on funny T-shirts: *(camoflauge) Ha! Now you can't see me! * He did it --> *The leprechauns are after my stash. *I do what the voices tell me to do... *Not the brightest crayon in the box, are we? *See no homework, Speak no homework, Hear no homework, DO NO HOMEWORK. *I bet you were an ugly baby. *(Picture of Simpsons on it) I see dumb people... *I didn't do it. *(Scribbles all over it) Don't drink and draw. *(Picture of skunk) Silent but deadly... *He farted --> *(Picture of gas station) I have gas! *(Squirrels) Protect your nuts. *I'm out of bed and dressed, what more do you want? *Help! I talk too much! *(Upside down) If you can read this, please send me

Batman once wrote on the wall, "Superman is a wimp." The next day, Superman wrote "Batman is Bruce Wayne."

You Know You're Addicted to Ebay When... 1.) Every time you go to the grocery store, you offer the cashier one cent more for each item in the cart of the person in front of you. 2.) To cut costs, FedEx and UPS are considering relocating their operations centers to your house. 3.) Sitting on the floor of your empty apartment, you stare at your fingers and wonder whether they'll sell better, individually or as a matched set. 4.) Your spouse is loving and caring, but you decided to file for divorce because you need the storage space. 5.) You're the reason they adopted the "No selling your children's vital organs" policy. 6.) You find yourself searching eBay auctions for milk, eggs and br

A zebra had died and when he got to Heaven he asked the guard, out of curiosity, if he was white with black strips or black with white strips. The guard said that he would see God roaming around Heaven and the zebra could ask Him. A couple weeks later he finally sees God and asks, "Out of curiosity, am I white with black stripes or black with white strips." God answered, "You are what your are." The zebra was puzzled, but went along anyway. A few days later the zebra sees the guard again. The guard said, "So did you see God? What did he say?" The zebra replied, "Well, he said 'You are what are what your are.'" The guard goes, "Oh, then it means that you are white with black stripes.

Announcer, at a diving competition: "Ladies and gentlemen, we have both good and bad news to announce. The good news is that the dive just performed was fantastic and the judges have managed to give it a full score of ten. The bad news is... there was no water in the pool."

You Know You're Addicted to Video Games When... 1.) Your wife tells you that you are, and your two kids; Mario, and Sonic; agree with her. 2.) Whenever something bad happens, you reach for the pause button. 3.) You can microwave and eat a pizza using only your feet. 4.) You've spent so much time playing Tony Hawk Pro Skater 4 -- you actually taught youself how to skateboard. 5.) You've worn out the buttons in the elevator of your apartment. 6.) The only joystick you play with anymore is plugged in to your Xbox. 7.) You've decided you won't go outside anymore due to the 'tacky graphics, poor sound and low playability.' 8.) You've moved your PS2 into the bathroom -- just in case you

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin? Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed? Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"? Why is "abbreviated" such a long word? Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"? Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on "Start"? Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons? Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker? Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour? Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food? When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it? Why didn't Noah swat those

You Know You're Addicted to Caffeine When... 1.) You haven't slept since the Clinton Administration. 2.) Your next-door neighbors often call to complain about the sound of your chattering teeth. 3.) Instead of Tic Tacs, you suck on Vivarin. 4.) You plan to name your twins "Cappuccino" and "Espresso." 5.) On the way to work you get pulled over for speeding and you don't even have your car. 6.) You kill a guy for trying to switch your regular coffee to decaffeinated Folgers. 7.) You wake up in the middle of the night screaming "Pepsi! For the love of God, I need Pepsi!" 8.) When a Maxwell House commercial comes on, you actually lick the TV screen. 9.) You drink so much coffee it star