Dear brother, I smile because you are my brother. I laugh because there is absolutely nothing you can do about it!

I'm not against Avril Lavigne or anything, I like her, but I heard this, and it was pretty funny. This is the changed lyric to the chorus of Complicated: "Why'd you have to go and make me so constipated? You see the way I'm scrunching up my pitiful face when I'm on the toilet, And during this I - I push, and I strain, and I sweat, and I pray, Dear Lord, that you'll let it come out; Sooner or later I'll have to leave the bathroom, Yeah, yeah, yeah..."

These are phrases found on funny T-shirts: *(camoflauge) Ha! Now you can't see me! * He did it --> *The leprechauns are after my stash. *I do what the voices tell me to do... *Not the brightest crayon in the box, are we? *See no homework, Speak no homework, Hear no homework, DO NO HOMEWORK. *I bet you were an ugly baby. *(Picture of Simpsons on it) I see dumb people... *I didn't do it. *(Scribbles all over it) Don't drink and draw. *(Picture of skunk) Silent but deadly... *He farted --> *(Picture of gas station) I have gas! *(Squirrels) Protect your nuts. *I'm out of bed and dressed, what more do you want? *Help! I talk too much! *(Upside down) If you can read this, please send me

Batman once wrote on the wall, "Superman is a wimp." The next day, Superman wrote "Batman is Bruce Wayne."

You Know You're Addicted to Ebay When... 1.) Every time you go to the grocery store, you offer the cashier one cent more for each item in the cart of the person in front of you. 2.) To cut costs, FedEx and UPS are considering relocating their operations centers to your house. 3.) Sitting on the floor of your empty apartment, you stare at your fingers and wonder whether they'll sell better, individually or as a matched set. 4.) Your spouse is loving and caring, but you decided to file for divorce because you need the storage space. 5.) You're the reason they adopted the "No selling your children's vital organs" policy. 6.) You find yourself searching eBay auctions for milk, eggs and br

A zebra had died and when he got to Heaven he asked the guard, out of curiosity, if he was white with black strips or black with white strips. The guard said that he would see God roaming around Heaven and the zebra could ask Him. A couple weeks later he finally sees God and asks, "Out of curiosity, am I white with black stripes or black with white strips." God answered, "You are what your are." The zebra was puzzled, but went along anyway. A few days later the zebra sees the guard again. The guard said, "So did you see God? What did he say?" The zebra replied, "Well, he said 'You are what are what your are.'" The guard goes, "Oh, then it means that you are white with black stripes.

Announcer, at a diving competition: "Ladies and gentlemen, we have both good and bad news to announce. The good news is that the dive just performed was fantastic and the judges have managed to give it a full score of ten. The bad news is... there was no water in the pool."

You Know You're Addicted to Video Games When... 1.) Your wife tells you that you are, and your two kids; Mario, and Sonic; agree with her. 2.) Whenever something bad happens, you reach for the pause button. 3.) You can microwave and eat a pizza using only your feet. 4.) You've spent so much time playing Tony Hawk Pro Skater 4 -- you actually taught youself how to skateboard. 5.) You've worn out the buttons in the elevator of your apartment. 6.) The only joystick you play with anymore is plugged in to your Xbox. 7.) You've decided you won't go outside anymore due to the 'tacky graphics, poor sound and low playability.' 8.) You've moved your PS2 into the bathroom -- just in case you

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin? Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed? Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"? Why is "abbreviated" such a long word? Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"? Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on "Start"? Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons? Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker? Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour? Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food? When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it? Why didn't Noah swat those

You Know You're Addicted to Caffeine When... 1.) You haven't slept since the Clinton Administration. 2.) Your next-door neighbors often call to complain about the sound of your chattering teeth. 3.) Instead of Tic Tacs, you suck on Vivarin. 4.) You plan to name your twins "Cappuccino" and "Espresso." 5.) On the way to work you get pulled over for speeding and you don't even have your car. 6.) You kill a guy for trying to switch your regular coffee to decaffeinated Folgers. 7.) You wake up in the middle of the night screaming "Pepsi! For the love of God, I need Pepsi!" 8.) When a Maxwell House commercial comes on, you actually lick the TV screen. 9.) You drink so much coffee it star

Cartoon Laws of Physics Cartoon Law I Any body suspended in space will remain in space until made aware of its situation. Daffy Duck steps off a cliff, expecting further pastureland. He loiters in midair, soliloquizing flippantly, until he chances to look down. At this point, the familiar principle of 32 feet per second per second takes over. Cartoon Law II Any body in motion will tend to remain in motion until solid matter intervenes suddenly. Whether shot from a cannon or in hot pursuit on foot, cartoon characters are so absolute in their momentum that only a telephone pole or an outsize boulder retards their forward motion absolutely. Sir Isaac Newton called this sudden termination of mo

These are some real people's names, and what they grew up to be. They are all true: 1.) Iccolo Miccolo played the piccolo for the Los Angeles Philharmonic Orchestra. 2.) H.M. Balmer was a funeral director in Fort Collins, Colorado. 3.) Miss Birdie Snyder married C. Canary and became Birdie Canary. 4.) Perhaps it was best to ignore the orders of Dr. Besick, a doctor in Chicago, Illinois. 5.) The Clipper brothers worked as barbers in Bakersfield, California. 6.) Mr. Thrift of Keepit, Australia, won the $30,000 first prize in a lottery. 7.) D. Sharp was a radio tenor. 8.) Dr. H.A. Toothacre worked as dentist for the Burlington, Iowa, Independent School District. 9.) B.F. Parsons was a