Melvin checked out a book from the library because the title read "How to Hug". It turned out to be volume 7 of the encyclopedia.

The accountant was visiting the Museum of Natural History and said to the person standing next to him, "That dinosaur is two billion years and ten months old." "How did you get such exact information?" "I was here ten months ago and the guide said the dinosaur was two billion years old."

Feeling lost and adrift? Gain inner peace by learning the way of the Homer Simpson... Here are some Homeric jewels to live by: "The answers to life's problems aren't at the bottom of the bottle. They're on TV. "What's the point of going out? We're just going to end up back here anyway." "Trying is the first step toward failure." "You can't keep blaming yourself. Just blame yourself once and move on." "Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?" "The three little sentences that will get you through life. No. 1: Cover for me. No. 2: Oh, good idea, boss. No. 3: It was like that when I got here.

A gladiator was having a rough day at the arena-his opponent had sliced off both of his arms. Nevertheless, he fought on, kicking and biting as furiously as he could. But when his opponent lopped off both feet, the gladiator had no choice but to give up. He was now both unarmed and defeated.

Irvin is driving down the freeway to go to work when his cell phone rings. It's his wife: "Irving,I just heard on the news that there's a car going down the freeway in the wrong direction. Please try to be careful." "It's true,"Irving replies,"But not just one car- there are hundreds of them!"

My friend's mom is so fat I was upstairs and when she fell I ran down screaming, "EARTHQUAKE!"

What's the difference between snow men and snow women? Snow BALLS! (Ding dong kind)

An Indian man made a painting with the sun above a beach. He proudly displayed his painting. When people marvel at his work and asked, "What's it called?" He said, "Sun of a Beach."

Q: How do you serve food in space? A: On flying saucers

A guy walked up to this little boy and asked what was closer, ( it was a joke) the moon or the Cayman Islands. The little boy said, "The moon, because you can't see the Caymen Islands, but you can see the moon." The guy decided to show some people on the streets this fine genius. That same day, the guy shouted out, "Listen to the genius. Once the guy asked which was closer, the moon or the Cayman Islands, the little boy said " The Cayman Islands." "Why do you think that?" the guy asked. the boy said "Yesterday, I saw some people from the Cayman Islands. Have YOU ever seen some one from the moon? I sure haven't."

A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard from the bathroom. A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar. The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming. "What's all the screaming about in there? You're scaring the customers!" "I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my testicles." With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says..."You idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!"

Yogi Berra is a famous baseball player who is most widely known for his renowned flubs. Here is a collection of the best. "This is like deja vu all over again." "You can observe a lot just by watching." "He must have made that before he died." -- Referring to a Steve McQueen movie. "I want to thank you for making this day necessary." -- On Yogi Berra Appreciation Day in St. Louis in 1947. "I'd find the fellow who lost it, and, if he was poor, I'd return it." -- When asked what he would do if he found a million dollars. "Think! How the hell are you gonna think and hit at the same time?" "You've got to be very careful if you don't know where you're going, because you might not get there