One day in heaven, George Bush saw Moses & walked up to him. When he tried to say hi Moses ran off. The next day George Bush saw Moses again. He then tried to say hi, but he sped off again. The next day when George Bush saw Moses he asked him. " How come every time i try to say hi to you, you run off?" Moses replied," Last time I saw a bush, I was stuck in the desert for 40 years."

1. George Washington isn't the first president. He was the first elected president. 2. Men are 6 times more likely to be struck by lightning than women. 3. It is estimated that millions of trees in the world are accidently planted by squirrels who bury nuts and forget where they hid them. 4. Ernest Vincent Wright wrote a novel,"Gadsby", which contains over 50,000 words--none of them with the letter "E". 5. Of all the words in the English laguage, the word "set" has the most definitions. 6. A toothpick is the object most often choked on by Americans. 7. Every 45 seconds, a house catches on fire in the United States. 8. The sun is 330,330 times larger than the Earth. 9. A mole can dig

1.Keep your lights blinking for a whole hour. 2.Go really slow on a highway. 3.Smile and wave at everyone that you see at a stoplight. 4.Turn your radio up while playing opera music. 5.When stopping at a stop sign run out of your car and look to see if any cars are coming then yell, "It's all clear!" 6.When coming to a speed bump, get out and say "My car won't make it!" then try to push it over the bump. 7.At every stoplight, run out and check your tires and yell, "Don't worry it's OK!" 8.Take a sponge and a bucket of water and pull over to wash the bugs off the car every time you see one. 9.Fill the back seats with plastic bags, put the windows down, and drive around really fast. 10.Change

1. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup. 2. Make yourself at home! Clean my kitchen. 3. A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth. 4. Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after. 5. Do I look like a freakin' people person? 6. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting. 7. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left. 8. I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me. 9. If I throw a stick, will you leave? 10. You! Off my planet! 11. I like cats, too. Let's exchange recipes. 12. Ambivalent? Well, yes and no. 13. Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe? 14. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed. 15. Suburbia: where they te

You're so fat, the last time you went on a bus, the ticket read ''Please allow up to 28 days for delivery.''

What's the difference between pokemon and pokewomon? poke balls

Why can't Osama sleep with any of his 5 wives? Because all he sees is bush.

5 boys are walking by a "haunted" house" One of the five boys said, "I bet I could go in there for more than five minutes." A couple minutes later, he comes out screaming "GHOST!" The second boy decides to try to go in for more than ten minutes. He comes out screaming after four minutes, "HE WASN'T LYING! GHOST!" The third and fourth boy go in together and try to stay in for more than an hour. They come out screaming the same thing. The last boy walks and says he can stay in there a whole day. Once he walked in, the other boys heard him say, "Hi Grandma."

What is the difference between a drunk and a druggie? Drunks run a stop sign and druggies stop at it and wait till it turns green.

While fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He knew how to swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting an old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted, "Are there any alligators around here?" The beachcomber shouted back, "Nah! We ain't seen gators in these parts for years." Feeling safe, the tourist began swimming leisurely towards the shore. About halfway there, he shouted, "Hey, how'd you get rid of the alligators?" The beachcomber said, "We didn't do anything. The sharks got 'em."

Some items have the strangest directions/ warnings. Here are a few I've noticed. On a toilet plunger: Do not use as an umbrella. On a carton of milk: May contain dairy products. On a tricycle: Will hurt if on top of someone. On popcorn: Will pop if heated. On candy: Directions: Take of wrapper, insert into mouth, chew, and swallow. (No, really?) On bean bags used for juggling: Do not eat. On lunchmeat: Do not mistake as toilet paper. On Gameboy: To play,you must have a thumb. After computer error: Keyboard malfunction, press enter to continue. On coke bottle: Do not try to insert head. On skateboard: May move if rode on. On shampoo bottle: Warning: May create a lather. Roadsign:

A collector of rare books ran into an acquaintance who told him he had just thrown away an old bible that he found in a dusty, old box. He happened to mention that Guten-somebody-or-other had printed it. "Not Gutenberg?" gasped the collector. "Yes, that was it!" "You idiot! You've thrown away one of the first books ever printed. A copy recently sold at an auction for half a million dollars!" "Oh, I don't think this book would have been worth anything close to that much," replied the man. "It was scribbled all over in the margins by some guy named Martin Luther."