There was a guy he had to deliver a package to the nearest town which took three days to get there. If he leaves on Friday and arrives on Friday how is that possible? He doesn't stop to rest. *His horse's name is Friday.

Two elderly Wal-Mart greeters were sitting on a bench during break time and one turns to the other saying, "Slim, I'm 73 years old and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age; how do you feel?" Slim says, "I feel just like a new born babe." Rather amazed at this reply, Slim's co-worker repeats his statement back in the form of a question, "Really? A new born babe?" "Yup," grins Slim, "No teeth, no hair and I think I just wet my pants."

The Officer says, "I clocked you at 80 mph, sir." The driver says, "Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar needs calibrating." Not looking up from her knitting, the wife says sweetly, "Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control." As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you keep your mouth shut for once?" The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did." As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Dammit woman, can't you ke

Two English guys were in the middle of the scorching desert with no food or water. They both decide to stop and have a rest in the sand. Then one guy has a genius idea. The guy says, "I support Liverpool football team, so I'll eat the liver of my camel!" The second guys says, "I support Arsenal football club, but I'm not that hungry!"

1.(Of course) Laugh hysterically and for no reason. 2. Pretend you holding something like a small knife and swing at the air as if you are trying to cut something. If someone asks, say you were misinterpreted or deny the whole thing. 3. Wear headphones everywhere you go, leaving the plug dangling out, easily seen, and then stationary knod, as if to a beat. Pretend not to hear anyone unless they touch you to get you attention. Periodically forget to take off headphones when you are touched and act confused when you cannot hear them. 4. Sit in front of a library computer and twitch your eyelid for 20 seconds, the get up and browse the fiction E section. Repeat. 5. Sit in front of a public

Why didn't the zombie cross the road? Because he didn't have the guts!

There was an Englishman, an Irishman, and a Scotsman stranded on an island. They see a cave up ahead. The Englishman goes in and sees some toast on a rock. He goes over to it but then a voice comes. "Dont eat the toast," the voice shouts. The Englishman runs out. The Scotsman walks in and sees the toast as well, the voice comes back. "Don't eat the toast." The Scotsman thinks it's his imagination but then he hears it again, "Don't eat the toast," says the voice,the Scotsman runs out. The Irishman wondering what's going on, goes inside. He hears the voice once, thinks nothing of it. He hears the voice again, still he ignores it. He picks up the toast and eats it. The voice shouts, "I war

THINK YOU'RE HAVING A BAD DAY.... check it out these actual cases. Fire authorities in California found a corpse in a burned-out section of forest while assessing the damage done by a forest fire. The deceased male was dressed in a full wet suit, complete with scuba tanks on his back, flippers, and face mask. A postmortem test revealed that the man died not from burns, but from massive internal injuries. Dental records provided a positive identification. Investigators then set about to determine how a fully clothed diver ended up in the middle of a forest fire. It was revealed that on the day of the fire, the man went diving off the coast, some 20 miles from the forest. The fire fighters,

Why did the tomato blush? It saw the salad dressing.

Three men die and go to hell. There is a white guy, a Polish guy, and a black guy. The devil makes a deal with the three men. He tells them if they can stand on his hand for 10 days without melting he will give them their lives back. So the three men agree to the deal and stand on his hand. After only 2 days the white guy melts and after the 4th day the Polish guy melts also. The devil thinks this is going to be a piece of cake. "Two down and one to go", he tells the black man. But after 10 days the black man is still standing strong. The devil asks him how this is possible and the man replies, "Chocolate melts in your mouth not in your hand."

How many roaches does it take to screw in a lightbulb? You'll never know because when you turn on the light, they scatter!

A man walked into a bar... and it hurt!