What is Tarzan's favorite Christmas song? Jungle Bells!

Which is faster, hot or cold? Hot, because you can catch a cold!

What did the cop say to the bad popcicle? Freeze!

Why couldn't G-Unit take the bus? They only had 50 cent!

What is a vampire's favorite holiday? Fangs-giving!

Sven and Ole are visiting a relative in Texas. While walking along the street, they see a sign on a store front which reads: Suits $5.00 each Shirts $2.00 each Trousers $2.50 per pair Sven says to his pal, "Hey Ole! We could buy a whole lot of dem and ven ve get back to Minnesota, ve could sell them and make a fortune." "Now ven ve go into the shop, yust let me do all da talkin' cause if dey hear your Minnesota accent dey might tink ve are dumb Norwegians and try ta raise da price - but I can speak with a perfect Texas drawl." They go in, and Sven drawls out an order of 50 suits at $5.00 each, 100 shirts at $2.00 each and 50 pair of trousers at $2.50 each. The owner of the shop says "Yo

Wee Hughie came into the office an hour late for the third time in one week and found the boss waiting for him. "What's the story this time, Hughie?" he asked sarcastically. "Let's hear a good excuse for a change." Wee Hughie sighed, "Everything went wrong this morning. The wife decided to drive me to the harbour. She got ready in ten minutes, but then the ferry didn't turn up. Rather than let you down, I swam across the river, ran over the mountain, borrowed a bicycle and cycled the 20 miles through the glen to this office." "You'll have to do better than that. Hughie," said his boss, disappointed. "No woman can be ready in ten minutes."

If you invited all the alphabet to tea who would be late? The letters 'UVWXYZ' because they all come after 'T'.

What do you call an alien with no ears? Anything you like, he can't hear you.

What do Micheal Jackson and a PS2 have in common? They're both plastic, can be black or white and can be turned on by children.

1st SLAP "Our ship has just lost 82% of its power, our captain's head fused with plexiglass and we have an eleven minute window to escape certain death. Let's go to bed together." 2nd SLAP "The evil bad guy, who has demonstrated Superman-like strength, has just killed two of our crew. Let's split up and walk aimlessly through the ship looking for him." 3rd SLAP "I just found an unknown, odd, bizarrely pulsating alien object. I'm gonna open it up and stick my hand in it to see what happens." 4th SLAP "We just picked you up from an abandoned moon in deep space and you can read my mind, which no other human being has ever been able to do. Neat. Let's go to bed." 5th SLAP

Sign posted at a golf club in Scottsdale, Arizona 1. Back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart. 2. Form a loose grip. 3. Keep your head down. 4. Avoid a quick back swing. 5. Stay out of the water. 6. Try not to hit anyone. 7. If you are taking too long, please let others go ahead of you. 8. Don't stand directly in front of others. 9. Quiet please...while others are preparing to go. 10. Don't take extra strokes. Well done - Now flush the urinal, go outside, and tee off.