John: I got this great new hearing aid the other day. Mary: Are you wearing it now? John: Yup. Cost me four thousand dollars, though. But it's top of the line. Mary: What kind is it? John: Twelve-thirty.

One day I asked my grandfather how to ice fish. He said all you need is a can of peas and a club. "Huh?", I said. "How does that work?" "Well," he said, "After you cut the hole in the ice you just place the peas around the edge of the hole! Then you wait by the hole with your club." "What does that do?" I asked. "Well," he said with a grin. "When the fish come up to take a pee, you hit him over the head with the club!"

For all of us who miss those great old tunes from the 60s and 70s, there's good news! Some of our old favorites have re-released their great hits with new lyrics to accommodate maturing audiences. Bobby Darin - "Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' a Flash" Herman's Hermits - "Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker" The Beatles - "I Get by with a Little Help from Depends" Marvin Gaye - "I Heard It Through the Grape Nuts" The Bee Gees - "How Can You Mend a Broken Hip" The Temptations - "Papa's Got a Kidney Stone" Nancy Sinatra - "These Boots Aren't Made for Bunions" Paul Simon - "Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver" Roberta Flack - "The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face" ABBA - "Denture Queen" Leo Sayer

Welcome aboard Southwest Flight 245 to Tampa. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised.

In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite.

As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses.

What starts with B, has 2 E's, and ends in R???? Birthday Cheer!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A man jumps out of an airplane with a parachute on his back. As he's falling, he realizes his chute is broken. He doesn't know anything about parachutes, but as the earth rapidly approaches, he realizes his options are limited; he takes off the parachute and tries to fix it himself on the way down. The wind is ripping past his face, he's dropping like a rock, and at 5000 feet, another man goes shooting up past him. In desperation, the man with the chute looks up and yells, "Hey do you know anything about parachutes?!" The guy flying up looks down and yells, "No, do you know anything about gas stoves?!"

Makes one think, and puts things in perspective : Diet Snapple....16 oz $1.29........$10.32 per gallon Lipton Ice Tea..16 oz $1.19........$ 9.52 per gallon Gatorade........20 oz $1.59...... $10.17 per gallon Ocean Spray.....16 oz $1.25.......$10.00 per gallon Brake Fluid.....12 oz $3.15 ..... $33.60 per gallon Vick's Nyquil... 6 oz $8.35 .....$178.13 per gallon Pepto Bismol.....4 oz $3.85......$123.20 per gallon Whiteout........ 7 oz $1.39...... $25.42 per gallon Scope ........ 1.5 oz $0.99.......$84.48 per gallon and this is the REAL KICKER...... >Evian water 9 oz for $1.49...... $21.19 per gallon. $21.19 FOR WATER! ....and the buyers don't even know the source. Yes, and the n

#10 - You can trade an old 44 for a new 22. #9 - You can keep one handgun at home and have another for one when you're on the road. #8 - If you admire a friends handgun and tell him so, he'll probably let you try it out a few times. #7 - Your primary handgun doesn't mind if you keep another handgun for backup. #6 - Your handgun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo. #5 - A handgun doesn't take up a lot of closet space. #4 - Handguns function normally every day of the month. #3 - A handgun doesn't ask, "Do these new grips make me look fat?" #2 - A handgun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it. And, the number one reason a handgun is favored over a woman #1 - You

Back in the olden days when Samurai were important, there was a powerful Japanese Emperor who needed a new Chief Samurai. So he sent out a declaration throughout the entire known world of that time that he was searching for a CHIEF. A year passed, but only 3 people applied for the very demanding position; 1. a Japanese Samurai 2. a Chinese Samurai 3. a Jewish Samurai (You snicker!? It is, apparently, possible!) The emperor asked the Japanese Samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be the chief Samurai. The Japanese Samurai opened a match box, and out popped a bumblebee. Whoosh! went his sword, and the bumblebee dropped dead on the ground. The emperor exclaimed "That is very impre

1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave. 2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years. 3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3. 4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you. 5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends is that they don't have e-mail addresses. 6. When you go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a business manner. 7. When you make phone calls from home, you accidentally dial "9" to get an outside line. 8. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different companies. 10. You learn about your redundancy on the 11 o'clock news. 11. Contractors outnum