"CNN found that Hillary Clinton is the most admired woman in America. Women admire her because she's strong and successful. Men admire her because she allows her husband to cheat and get away with it." - Jay Leno

Two old ladies were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress One leaned over and said, "Life is so boring, we never have any fun anymore. For $5.00, I'd take my clothes off and streak through that stupid flower show!" "You're on!" said the other old lady, holding up a $5.00 bill. As fast as she could, the first little old lady fumbled her way out of her clothes and, completely naked, streaked through the front door of the flower show. Waiting outside, her friend heard a huge commotion inside the hall, following by loud applause. The naked lady burst out through the door surrounded by a cheering crowd. "How did you do?" asked her waiting friend.

In a toilet of an office: TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW. In a department store: BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS In an office: WILL THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEPLADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN. In an office lunchroom: AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD. Outside a secondhand shop: WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN? In health food shop window: CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS In a safari park: ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR At a conference: FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DA

BLAMESTORMING: Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible. SEAGULL MANAGER: A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves. ASSMOSIS: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard. SALMON DAY: The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end. CUBE FARM: An office filled with cubicles. PRAIRIE DOGGING: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on. MOUSE POTATO: The on-line, wired gene

These great questions and answers are from the "Hollywood Squares" game show. Responses were spontaneous and clever, not scripted and dull as they are now. Q. Do female frogs croak? A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their heads under water long enough. Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be? A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it. Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years. A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems like it sometimes. Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman? A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake. Q. According to Cosmo, if you meet a stranger at a part

A guy stopped at a local gas station. After filling his gas tank, hepaid the bill and bought a soft drink. He stood by his car to drink his cola and watched a couple of men working along the roadside. One man would dig a hole two or three feet deep and then move on. The other man came along behind him and filled in the hole. While one was digging a new hole, the other was 25 feet behind filling in the hole. The men worked right past the guy with the soft drink and went on down the road. "I can't stand this," said the man tossing the soft drink can into a trash container and heading down the road toward the workmen. "Hold it, hold it,"he said to the men. "Can you tell me what's going on her

This is not meant to be crude. It is strictly for your edification and enjoyment. Before the Battle of Agincourt in 1415, the French, anticipating victory over the English, proposed to cut off the middle finger of all captured English soldiers. Without their middle finger, it would be impossible to draw the renowned English longbow and therefore they would be incapable of fighting in the future. The longbow was a famous weapon. It was made of the native English Yew tree, and the act of drawing the longbow was known as "plucking the yew." Much to the bewilderment of the French, the English won a major upset and began mocking the French by waving their middle fingers at the defeated Fren

There were two brothers. One was very good and tried to always live right and be helpful. His brother on the other hand was bad and did all the things that men should not do in life and didn't care who he hurt. The bad brother died. He was still missed by his brother since he loved him despite his ways. Finally, years later, the good brother died and went to Heaven. Everything was beautiful and wonderful there, and he was very happy. One day he asked God where his brother was, as he hadn't seen him there. God said that he was sorry but his brother lived a terrible life and went to Hell instead. The good brother then asked God if there was any way for him to see his brother. So God ga

A man suffered a serious heart attack and had open heart bypass surgery. He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic hospital. As he was recovering, a nun asked him questions regarding how he was going to pay for his medical services. He was asked if he had health insurance. He replied in a raspy voice, "No health insurance." The nun asked if he had money in the bank. He replied, "No money in the bank." The nun asked, "Do you have a relative who could help you?" He said, "I only have a spinster sister who is a nun." The nun got a little perturbed and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God." The patient replied, "Then send t

The American Dairy Association was so successful with its "Got Milk?" campaign, that it was decided to extend the ads to Mexico. Unfortunately, the Spanish translation was "Are you lactating?" Electrolux, a Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer, used this ad in the U.S.: "Nothing sucks like an Electrolux." Colgate introduced a toothpaste called "Cue" in France, but it turned out to be the same name as a well-known porno magazine. When Braniff translated a slogan touting its upholstery, "Fly in leather," it came out in Spanish as "Fly naked." Coors put its slogan, "Turn it loose," into Spanish, where it was read as "Suffer from diarrhea." Chicken magnate Frank Perdue's line, "It takes a tough

"I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either." - Jack Benny "When I was born I was so surprised that I didn't talk for a year and a half." - Gracie Allen "I'd rather be a could-be if I cannot be an are; because a could-be is a maybe who is reaching for a star. I'd rather be a has-been than a might-have-been, by far; for a might have-been has never been, but a has-been was once an are." - Milton Berle "Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous. When I was sixty-five I still had pimples." - George Burns "You're never too old to become younger." - Mae West "I hate the theatre. I also hate the sight of blood, but it's in my veins." - Charlie Chaplin "I've

A dedicated Teamsters Union worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas and, as you would expect, decided to check out the local brothels nearby. When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam, "Is this a union house?" "No," she replied, "I'm sorry, it isn't." "Well, if I pay you $100.00, what cut do the girls get?" "The house gets $80.00 and the girls get $20.00." Mightily offended at such unfair dealings, the man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized, shop. His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam responded, "Why, yes sir, this IS a Union House." The man asked, "And if I pay you $100.00, what cut do the gi