I cannot see, I cannot pee; I cannot chew, I cannot screw; Oh, my God, what can I do? My memory shrinks, My hearing stinks, No sense of smell - I look like hell My mood is bad - can you tell? My body's drooping, Have trouble pooping; The Golden Years have come at last - The Golden years can kiss my ass

A golfer, encountering a genie, was granted one wish. The man thought a while and said, "Well, I've always been embarrassed by being rather small, if you know what I mean; could you make me larger?" "Done," said the genie and disappeared. Continuing his game, the man noticed an immediate change in his "size." Within several holes, it was down to his knee, and by the eighteenth, it had crept into his sock. After holing his final putt, the man hurriedly returned to where he'd met the genie. "Problem?" inquired the genie. "Yes," the man responded, "Do you think I could trouble you for one more wish?" "And what might that be?" asked the genie. "Could you make my legs longer?"

When White man found this land, Indians were running it. No Taxes... No Debt... Plenty Buffalo... Plenty beaver! Women did most (all) of the work. Medicine Man free! Indian men hunted and fished all the time! Only White man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that

There was a German, an Italian and a Newfie on death row. The warden gave them a choice of three ways to die..... 1. To be shot 2. To be hung 3. To be injected with the AIDS virus for a slow death The German said, "Shoot me right in the head." Boom, he was dead instantly. The Italian said "Just hang me." With a snap of the rope he was dead. Then the Newfie said, "Give me some of that AIDS stuff." They gave him the shot and the Newfie fell down laughing. The guards looked at each other and wondered what was wrong with this guy. The Newfie said "Give me another one of those shots." The guards injected him again and now the Newfie was laughing so hard that tears rolled down his cheek

The United States Treasury has announced they are recalling the new Minnesota quarters. We are recalling all of the new Minnesota quarters that were recently issued, Treasury Undersecretary said in a press conference Monday. This comes in the wake of numerous reports to this agency that the quarters will not work in parking meters, toll booths, vending machines, pay phones, or other coin-operated devices. We believe the problem lies in a design flaw. The winning design for the Minnesota quarter was submitted by Sven Petersen of New Ulm, Minnesota. Sven commented, "Apparently, da duct tape holding da two dimes ana nickel togedder keeps yamming da coin-slot."

1 When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash. 2 Blue water Navy truism; There are more planes in the ocean than there are submarines in the sky. 3 Never trade luck for skill. 4 The three most common expressions (or, famous last words) in aviation are, "Why is it doing that?"; "Where are we?" and "Ooh Shit!" 5 Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers. 6 Progress in airline flying; Now a flight attendant can get a pilot pregnant. 7 Airspeed, altitude or brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight. 8 A smooth landing is mostly luck; two in a row is all luck; three in a row is prevaricat

Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Seamus, were stumbling home from the pub late one night and found themselves on the road which led past the old graveyard. "Come have a look over here," says Paddy, "It's Michael O'Grady's grave, God bless his soul. He lived to the ripe old age of 87." "That's nothing," says Sean, "here's one named Patrick O'Tool. It says here that he was 95 when he died." Just then, Seamus yells out, "Good God, here's a fella that got to be 145!" "What was his name?" asks Paddy. Seamus stumbles around a bit, awkwardly lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims, "Miles, from Dublin."

A group of 3rd, 4th and 5th graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to the local racetrack to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry, but mostly to see the horses. When it was time to take the children to the bathroom it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other. The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal. Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the little boys up one by one--holding onto their "weewees" to direct the flow away from their clo

If however you do need to take Viagra, remember to swallow them quickly otherwise you'll get a stiff neck. A shipment of Viagra was highjacked today. Police have put out an All-Points bulletin: Be on the lookout for two hardened criminals! They will face a stiff sentence when convicted and they'll surely be sent to a Penal Institution.

Top 10 Summer Camps you should not send your kids to: 10. Tommy Lee's---------- Camp Kickachickee 9. Lorena Bobbit's------ Camp Cutaweewee 8. Tanya Harding's------ Camp Wackaneenee 7. Kenneth Star's------- Camp Catchacrookee 6. Louis Farakahn's----- Camp Killawhitey 5. O.J. Simpson's------- Camp Killachickee 4. Michael Jackson's---- Camp Wannabewhitey 3. President Clinton's-----Camp Getahoochie 2. Ellen Degeneras's-------Camp Lickacoochie And the number one camp not to send your kid to: 1. Monica Lewinsky's---- Camp Suckapeepee

Two best friends were staying at a hotel.Their room was on the tenth floor. One day, because the lift was under repair, they started climbing the stairs. On reaching the first floor, one friend remembered something and said - First Friend : Hey listen! I want to tell you something. Second Friend : Go on, speak. First friend : No, no, you may get angry. I'll tell you later. This conversation happened whenever they reached a floor. Finally,when they reached in front of their room - First Friend : Hey listen! I want to tell you something. Second Friend (irritated) : Please speak then. First Friend : Friend,we forgot to collect the keys from the desk.

One night a man knocked at the doctor's door. When the door opened - Doctor : What is the matter? The man : Doctor,a dog bit my leg. Doctor : Don't you know that I don't see patients after 9 pm? The man : I know that very well.Perhaps the dog was not aware of it.