I suggest you sit down and relax before reading this. Your sides will be aching before you finish. Garden Snakes are DANGEROUS! Author Unknown Green garden grass snakes can be dangerous. Yes, grass snakes, not rattlesnakes. A couple in Sweetwater, Texas had a lot of potted plants, and during a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze. It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one of the plants and when it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa. She let out a very loud scream. The husband, who was taking a shower, ran out into the living room naked to see what the probl

JACK AND JILL Went up the hill To have a little fun. Stupid Jill Forgot the pill And now they have a son.

MARY HAD A LITTLE LAMB Her father shot it dead Now it goes to school with her Between two hunks of bread.

HUMPTY DUMPTY sat on a wall Humpty Dumpty had a great fall All the king's horses and all the king's men Had scrambled eggs for breakfast again.

GEORGIE PORGY Pudding and Pie Kissed the girls and made them cry. When the boys came out to play He kissed them as well, he's funny that way.

THERE WAS A LITTLE GIRL, who had a little curl Right in the middle of her forehead... And when she was good, she was very very good, But when she was bad she got a fur coat, jewels, a waterfront condo and a sports car.

These two eggs had just been married and were on their honeymoon. While they were sitting on the bed making out, the female egg pushed the male egg away and said, "I just have to go to the bathroom. I'll be back in a minute." and off she went. Five minutes later, the male egg saw his sexy wife walk out in a slinky negligee, wiping her hands up and down her smooth, oval-shaped body. Instantly, the male egg slapped his hands on the top of his head, covering it completely. The female egg looked at him and asked what he was doing. He replied, "The last time I was this hard, someone cracked me on the head with a spoon!"

Taxiing down the tarmac, the 757 abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off. A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What was the problem?" "The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the flight attendant, "and it took us a while to find a new pilot."

"Flight 2341, for noise abatement, turn right 45 degrees." "But Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?" "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

At one time in my life, I thought I had a handle on the meaning of the word "service". The act of doing things for other people. Then I heard the terms: Internal Revenue Service, Postal Service, Civil Service, Telephone Service, Service Stations, Customer Service, City/County Public Service. And I became confused about the word "service". This is not what I thought "service" meant. Then one day, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them mentioned that he was having a bull service a few of his cows. SHAZAM! It all came into perspective. Now I understand what all those "service" agencies are doing to us...

It was the first day of school and a new student named Martinez, the son of a local Mexican restaurateur, entered the fourth grade. The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death'?" She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Martinez, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775." "Very good! Who said 'Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth'?" Again, no response except from Martinez: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863," said Martinez. The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed. Martinez, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do." She heard a l

A few interesting public/police interactions: GOOD: A policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but wasn't getting too many. Then, he discovered the problem. A 10-year old boy was standing up the road from him with a hand-painted sign which read, "RADAR TRAP AHEAD". The officer then found a younger accomplice down the road with a sign reading "TIPS" and a bucket full of change. BETTER: A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated radar. A $40 speeding ticket was included. Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of the $40. The police department responded with another mailed photo of handcuffs. BEST: A young woman was pulled over for