A woman sends her clothing out to the Chinese laundry. When it comes back, there are still stains in her panties. The next week she encloses a note to the Chinese laundryman that says, "Use more soap on panties." This goes on for several weeks, the woman sending the same note to the laundry. "Use more soap on panties." Finally, fed up, the Chinese man responded with his own note that said, "Use more paper on ass."

for all of you with any money left ......... In the wake of the Exxon/Mobile deal and the AOL/Time Warner implode, be aware of the next expected mergers so that you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks. Watch for these consolidations in 2004: 1. Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W. R. Grace Co. will merge and become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace. 2. Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join forces and become: Poly, Warner Cracker. 3. 3M will merge with Goodyear and issue forth as: MMMGood. 4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become: ZipAudiDoDa. 5. FedEx is expected to join its major comp

Did you hear about the dyslexic Satanist? He sold his soul to Santa. Hear about the guy who lost his left arm and leg in a car crash? He's all right now. How do crazy people go through the forest? They take the psycho path. What did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall? "Dam." What do you call Santa's helpers? Subordinate Clauses. What do you call four bull fighters in quicksand? Quatro sinko. What is a zebra? 26 sizes larger than an "A" bra. Where do you find a no legged dog? Right where you left him. Where do you get virgin wool from? Ugly, fast sheep.

For sale: a quilted high chair that can be made into a table, potty chair, rocking horse, refrigerator, spring coat, size 8 and fur collar. Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00. Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children. We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand. For Rent: 6-room hated apartment. Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, and you'll never go anywhere again. Illiterate? Write today for free help. Great Dames for sale. Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge. Swim in the lovely pool while you drink it all in. Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours

A mother, accompanied by her small daughter, was in New York City. The mother was trying to hail a cab, when her daughter noticed several wildly dressed women who were loitering on a nearby street corner. The mother finally hailed her cab and they both climbed in, at which point the young daughter asks her mother, "Mommy, what are all those ladies waiting for by that corner?" The mother replies, "Those ladies are waiting for their husbands to come by and pick them up on the way home from work." The cabby, upon hearing this exchange, turns to the mother and says, "Ah, C'mon lady! Tell your daughter the truth! For crying out loud... They're hookers!" A brief period of silence follows, and

FREE PUPPIES: 1/2 COCKER SPANIEL - 1/2 SNEAKY NEIGHBOR'S DOG 1 MAN, 7 WOMAN HOT TUB -- $850/offer 2 WIRE MESH BUTCHERING GLOVES: 1 5-finger, 1 3-finger, PAIR: $15 TICKLE ME ELMO, STILL IN BOX, COMES WITH ITS OWN 1993 MUSTANG, 5L, AUTO, EXCELLENT CONDITION $6800 COWS, NEVER BRED... ALSO 1 GAY BULL FOR SALE. 83 TOYOTA HUNCHBACK -- $2000 GERMAN SHEPHERD 85 lbs. NEUTERED. SPEAKS GERMAN. FREE. FREE 1 CAN OF PORK & BEANS WITH PURCHASE OF 3 BR 2 BATH HOME. FOR SALE: LEE MAJORS (6 MILLION DOLLAR MAN) - $50 NORDIC TRACK $300 HARDLY USED *************CALL CHUBBIE NICE PARACHUTE: NEVER OPENED - USED ONCE SLIGHTLY STAINED

A man had been driving all night and by morning was still far from his destination. He decided to stop at the next city he came to and park somewhere quiet so he could get an hour or two of sleep. As luck would have it, the quiet street he chose happened to be one of the city's most popular jogging routes. No sooner had he settled back to snooze when there came a knocking on his window. He looked out and saw a jogger running in place. "Yes?" "Excuse me, sir," the jogger said, "do you have the time?" The man looked at the car clock and answered, "7:15." The jogger said thanks and left. The man settled back again, and was just dozing off when there was another knock on the window and another

Tom, the fisherman, wrote the following to a mail order catalogue, "Please send me one of those gasoline engines for my boat you show on page 438, and if it's any good, I'll send you a check." A few days later, Tom received the following reply, "Please send check. If it's any good, we'll send the engine."

A World War II pilot is reminiscing before school children about his days in the air force. "In 1942," he says, "the situation was really tough. The Germans had a very strong air force. I remember," he continues, "one day I was protecting our bombers and suddenly, out of the clouds, these fokkers appeared. At this point, several of the children giggle. "I looked up, and right above me was one of them. I aimed at him and shot him down. They were swarming. I immediately realized that there was another fokker behind me." At hearing the pilot go on, the girls in the auditorium start to giggle and boys start to laugh. The teacher stands up and says, "I think I should point out that 'Fokker' wa

'Twas The Night Of Thanksgiving, But I Just Couldn't Sleep I Tried Counting Backwards, I Tried Counting Sheep. The Leftovers Beckoned - The Dark Meat And White But I Fought The Temptation With All Of My Might Tossing And Turning With Anticipation The Thought Of A Snack Became Infatuation. So, I Raced To The Kitchen, Flung Open The Door And Gazed At The Fridge, Full Of Goodies Galore. I Gobbled Up Turkey And Buttered Potatoes, Pickles And Carrots, Beans And Tomatoes. I Felt Myself Swelling ! So Plump And So Round, 'til All Of A Sudden, I Rose Off The Ground. I Crashed Through The Ceiling, Floating Into The Sky With A Mouthful Of Pudding And A Handful Of Pie. But, I Manage

These two fleas are sitting in Florida. One is shivering like crazy, saying "that has got to be the coldest ride I have ever had in my life!" "How did you get here?" asks the other flea. "I was in the moustache of some guy riding his motorcycle down the freeway." "That is no way to travel to Florida" says the flea."Here is what you do. Go to the airport and find a lounge. Have a sip of someone's drink so you are relaxed. Find a really pretty girl and crawl up her leg and under her dress.G o inside her panties and you will find a nice warm place to curl up and fall asleep. The next thing you know,you are in Florida!! Remember that for next time.We will get together next year and you can t

Did you hear about the football game with the 0-0 score? Never mind, it's pointless.