An actual headline: "Include Your Children When Baking Cookies"

An actual headline: "Police Begin Campaign To Run Down Jaywalkers"

An actual headline: Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted.

An actual headline: Deer Kill 17,000

PARATROOPER A young army private is home on leave. He is talking to his dad about his experience at jump school while learning to be a paratrooper. "Dad" he says, "on my first jump, I froze up at the door on the plane. A big black sergeant standing behind me told me that if I didn''t jump, he was gonna cram about 12 inches of dick up my ass." "Well did you jump?" asks his dad. "Just a little at first" answered the boy.

What do you call a short psychic on the lam? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A small medium at large!

A man goes into a shoe store and asks to try on a pair of shoes. They were a bit snug. "Well, they feel a bit tight," says the man. The salesman bends down and feels around. He suggests pulling the tongue out, then asks, "How do they feel now?" "Well, dey shtill feel a bit thight"

A man was on a bridge as a news reporter walked by. She was told that if she didn't cover another story in 2 hours, she'd be fired. All of a sudden, the man starts to count "1,2,.." "Wait!" interrupts the reporter. "What is it?" "What are you trying to do?" "I'm going to commit suicide." "May I join you?" "Certainly." The two shout "1,2..." They're interrupted by a man walking down the street. "May I join you?" he asks. "Sure." "1,2..." As soon as the two men said 3, they jumped off, but the clever reporter stayed behind. "3,2,1, and cue!" "Good evening, I am just arriving at the scene of a crime. Two men just jumped off of this bridge."

A man and a woman are in a lamaze class, and the woman is 7 months pregnant. In this class, the lamaze instructor is trying to get the husbands to understand what their wives are going through. All the men put on fake bellies, and the lamaze instructor walks up to the first man and drops a pencil in front of him. "Okay, now pick up that pencil exactly as your wife would," says the lamaze instructor. The husband smiles slyly. "You want me to pick it up 'exactly' how my wife would? He asks. "Yes, exactly how your wife would," the lamaze instructor repeats, impatiently. The man looks at his wife, and says, "Honey, pick up that pencil."

Bad news: A man fell out of an airplane Good news: He had a parachute Bad news: The parachute didn't work Good news: There was a haystack beneath him Bad news: There was a pitchfork in the haystack Good news: He missed the pitchfork Bad news: He missed the haystack

Looking in the mall for a nightgown, I tried my luck in a store known for its sexy lingerie. To my delight, however, I found just what I was looking for. Waiting in the line to pay, I noticed a young woman behind me holding the same item. This confirmed what I suspected all along: despite being over 50, I still have a very "with it" attitude. "I see we have the same taste," I said proudly to the 20- something behind me. "Yes," she replied. "I'm getting this for my grandmother."

One day, a teen went to the docter, and said: "DOCTOR! Whenever I go to the bathroom, nickels come out!" The docter replies, "Drink lots of water, and keep your feet elevated." The next week, the teen comes back and says that dimes come out. The doctor says the same thing. Next week, he says that quarters are coming. Then half dollars. The doctor finally replies, "You're at the time where you go through change."