1. It is the new hip thing to rot your teeth. 2. They are highly non-nutritous. 3. In case of weak teeth, just bite into the hard candy. 4. For absolutely no good reason. 5. Makes you sick so that you do not have to go to school. 6. To get hyperactive so that you are not sleepy when you get out of bed. 7. Because the candy is saying, "Eat me!!!" 8. Because your tummy is growling and you think it is annoying. 9. In case you got an urge to suck on something. 10. Because the noises that the candy makes when it bangs against your teeth makes a relaxing sound for the mind.

The day after losing his wife in a diving accident, a man answered his door to find two grim-faced Alaska State Troopers. "We're sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife." "Tell me! Did you find her?" the man cried. The troopers looked at each other. One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?" Fearing the worse, an ashen Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news first." The trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in Kachemak Bay." "Oh no!" said Mr. Wilkens, overcome by emotion. Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the good new

An elevator operator complained that he was getting tired of people asking him for the time. A friend suggested that he hang a clock in his elevator. A few weeks later, the friend inquired as to how things were going. "Just awful!" declared the elevator operator. "NOW, all day long, people ask me, "Is the clock right?" exclaimed the elevator operator.

You're getting old when... your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "Honey, I can't do both!" your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot. a sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door. you don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along. you are cautioned to slow down by the doctor, instead of the police. "Getting a little action" means, "I don't need to take any fiber today." "getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot. an "all nighter" means not getting up to pee!

Bud Nelson, from New York, flew to Knock Airport in the west of Ireland on business. As he walked down the stairs from the plane onto the runway he noticed a small Irishman standing beside a long table with an assortment of Human Skulls. "What are you doing?" asked the American. "Oh, I'm selling skulls", replied the Irishman. "And what skulls do you have?" said Bud. "Well, I have the skulls of the most famous Irishmen that ever lived!!" said the Irishman. "That's great!" said Bud. "Give me some names!" "Well!" said the Irishman, pointing to various skulls. "That one there is James Joyce, the famous author and playwright, that one there is St. Brendan, the Navigator, that's Michae

A guy was walking along the beach in Malibu when he came across this salt-encrusted piece of metal. He worked for an hour or so to remove the salt. Lo and behold, it was a very old oil lamp. The guy started to buff it to remove the verdigris when "poof" a genie appeared. This genie, like all genies, was so happy to be freed of the lamp that he granted the guy three wishes. "I wish to be a dollar richer than Bill Gates," says the guy. The genie wasn't sure who Bill Gates was until the guy told him to check Forbes magazine. When the genie called up Forbes from inside the lamp, he learned that Bill Gates was indeed, the richest man in the world. "Guy," the genie said, "You will forever be a

1. AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks'trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub tap on and off with your toes. 2. CARPERPETUATION (kar'pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance. 3. DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt') v. To sterilize the piece of confection (lolly) you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will somehow 'remove' all the germs. 4. ELBONICS (el bon'iks) n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater. 5. FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to

Things some people learn as they "mature." I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in. I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just jerks. I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion - not proof - to destroy it. I've learned that, without a good mind, you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that, you'd better have a big weenie or huge boobs. I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others -they are more screwed up than you think. I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities. I've learned that reg

My friend is a rather old-fashioned lady, always quite delicate and elegant, especially in her language. She and her husband were planning a week's vacation in Florida, so she wrote to a particular campground and asked for a reservation. She wanted to make sure the campground was properly equipped, but didn't quite know how to ask about the "toilet" facitilities. She just couldn't bring herself to write the word "toilet" in her letter. After much deliberation, she finally came up the the old-fashioned term "bathroom commode". But after she wrote that down, she still thought she was being too forward. So, she started all over again and re-wrote the entire letter. This time, she referred to th

Winners of a New York Magazine contest who were asked to take a well-known expression in a foreign language, change a single letter and provide a definition for the new expression RESPONDEZ S'IL VOUS PLAID: Honk if you're Scottish HARLEZ-VOUS FRANCAIS?: Can you drive a French motorcycle? VENI, VIPI, VICI: I came, I'm a very important person, I conquered. COGITO EGGO SUM: I think; therefore I am a waffle. RIGOR MORRIS: The cat is dead. QUE SERA SERF: Life is feudal. LE ROI EST MORT. JIVE LE ROI: The king is dead. No kidding. POSH MORTEM: Death styles of the rich and famous. PRO BOZO PUBLICO: Support your local clown. MONAGE A TROIS: I am three years old. HASTE CUISINE: Fast Fren

Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and the police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.

There's a man named Ralph that goes into a bar, looking very depressed. A friend approaches him and asks, "Why the long face, Ralph?" "Oh, I'm just bored. I know every person in the entire world now, and there's just nothing left to challenge me." His friend says, "No, you can't know everyone. Do you know Paul McCartney?" He says, "Sure, Paul's an old friend of mine. Here, I'll show you." He goes over to a phone, dials a number. His friend overhears a British accent, "Hey Ralph, how ya doing?" He talks for a while, but when Ralph hangs up, his friend is not really sure that it was Paul McCartney on the other end of the line, so he asks him if he knows the president. Ralph says, "Su