1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. 2. Sorry, I didn't realize that my radar detector wasn't on. 3. Aren't you the guy from the village people? 4. Hey you must have been going 125mph just to keep up with me. 5. I thought you had to be in good physical condition to be a cop. 6. Bad cop! No donut! 7. You're gonna check the trunk, aren't you? 8. I was going to be a cop, really, but I decided to finish high school. 9. I pay your salary. 10. That's terrific, the last guy only gave me a warning also. 11. Is that a 9 mm? It's nothing compared to this 44 magnum! 12. What do you mean, have I been drinking? You're a trained specialist. 13. Do you know why you pulled me ove

Did you know that nobody can lick their elbow? *75% of the people that read this try it*

At a southern university, students in the psychology program were attending their first class on emotional extremes. "Just to establish some parameters," said the professor to the student from Arkansas, "what is the opposite of joy?" "Sadness," said the student. "And the opposite of depression?" he asked of the young lady from Oklahoma. "Elation," she said. "And you sir," he said to the young man from Texas, "what about the opposite of woe?" The Texan replied, "Sir, I believe that would be'giddy up' ".

Three little boys were sitting around talking about their fathers. The first boy said, "My dad can blow smoke rings." The second boy said, "My dad can blow smoke rings out of his nose." The third boy said, "Well, my dad can blow smoke rings out of his butt." The first and second boys where amazed. The second boy said, "Have you seen him do it?" "No," said the third boy, "but I've seen the tobacco stains on his underwear."

Steve was in a terrible accident at work; however, the only permanent damage done to him was that both of his ears were amputated. Because he was permanently disfigured, he settled with the company for a rather large sum of money and went on his way. One day, Steve decided to invest his money in a small, but growing computer business, and, after weeks of negotiations, he bought the company outright. But after signing on the dotted line, he realized that he knew nothing about running such a business and quickly set out to hire someone who could do that for him. The next day he had set up three interviews. The first guy was great. He knew everything he needed to and was very interesting, but

Cinderella, Superman and Pinocchio die and go to heaven. On their way they talk: Cinderella: "I want to be remembered as the most beautiful girl in the world." Superman: "I want to be remembered as the strongest person in the world." Pinocchio: "I want to be remembered as the greatest liar in the world." It's Cinderella's turn. She goes into the room and comes out smiling, saying, "It's done. I'm the most beautiful girl in the world!" Then goes Superman. He goes into the room and comes out happy, saying, "It's done. I'm the strongest person in the world!" Last comes out Pinocchio, angrily he says: "Damn! who's this Clinton guy?!?!"

Remember, whenever someone says that you're nobody, remember nobody's perfect.

What haunts the closets of a haunted house? The SOULS of shoes! What's a ghosts favourite dessert? I-scream! What was the ghosts favorite baseball team? The BOO Jays! What room is a ghost not allowed to go inside? The Living room Why didn't the vampire have fun on his vacation? He SUCKED all the fun out of it! If a snow man and a vampire got married and they had a baby what would the baby be? A Snowvam! Where do monsters love to visit in New York? The Vampire State Building. Why did the vampire's friend break up with him? Because he was a pain in the neck! Why do witches use brooms to fly on? Because vacuum cleaners are too heavy! What kind of street do zombies like best? Dead

What did the mother match say to the baby match? Don't scratch your head.

What do you say to a person who says that they are going to tell on you? You say: Too late, I already told.

Why did the teenager cross the road? Because his parents told him not to.

Little johnny was going to school. Incredibly he found a genie and was given 3 wishes. "Can I have a piece of candy?" he said. "Kid, I am a powerful genie ask for something else." "Mmmm, ok, give me 2 pieces of candy." "You think I have time for such small wishes? Don't ask for something so small." "I want candy." "Ok kid here you go; infinite candy." "Cool, thank you." "Ok whats your second wish? Kid, i don't have all day." "But I still have 3 wishes.."